Article / Susan Sassi

Breasts!

Now that I have your attention, listen up.  It’s breast cancer awareness month.

Women, check your breasts.  Men check your woman’s breasts. Everyone,  check your friend’s breasts.  Leave no breast unchecked! Early detection is key to not only saving breasts and not only saving lives, but also saving the world!

People these days don’t understand the value of breasts and the importance of protecting this asset.  I don’t have a great deal I like about myself.  However, one thing I do love, are my breasts.  But don’t take my word for it.  Listen to what others are saying about my breasts:

“I’m sorry, what were you saying.  I wasn’t listening.”

“Wooooh”

“Your breasts are magnificent.”

(In a baby voice) “Ma-ma. Ma-ma.”

“Well there certainly is a left one and a right one.”

You see, breasts are pretty amazing.  On days when I feel my worst, all I have to do is show a little cleavage and honestly it doesn’t matter what the rest of me looks like.  More powerful than photoshop.  More powerful than soft lighting.  A little cleavage will make all other flaws obsolete.  Breasts are nature’s air brush.  As a result, they will distract anyone from anything. That is power.  The power to change the world.  Don’t mistake this for me promoting getting naked and riding a wrecking ball or twerking with a giant foam finger.  Don’t mistake this for me telling you to slut it up.  I’m talking about just showing a little bit of cleavage and that is it.  That is all you need to bring the world to its knees.  You have an obligation, not just to yourself but to all of mankind to take care of your breasts.  Do it for the future of humanity.  Do it for world peace. Do it to bring about the dawning of the age of aquarius.  Ladies, get your breasts checked and save the world.

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