When I’m not posting hilarious gut-busting posts on Repo Comedy Dot Com, I work to pay my bills at a company called Jesco, performing live in-store demos. Our current product is the amazing Chef’s Rival, a hand powered food processor. The machine has no motor, no electricity, and yet is superior to electrical machines in so many ways. If you want to learn more you’ll have to come to a demo because I’m off the clock. Recently, I became a trainer. I enjoy the perks of the job, but lately it has been getting me down. Nothing makes one lose faith in humanity faster than a job in sales. But there has been one amazing saving grace– and that is my awesome trainees. They are hilarious.
Here are the top comments this week that left me busting a gut in the middle of the grocery store. Some of these quotes were said on purpose to be funny, some were accidents said at a live demonstration in front of a crowd of patrons. Let’s see if you can guess which is which.
1. “What’s the one vegetable we hate to chop more than any other vegetable…the onion! Right! Ever since that crazy vegetable landed on our planet…” (Wait…vegetables are from outer space?!!)
2. “Okay, everyone take a moment to think about your loved ones. Just picture them in your mind. Are you picturing them in your mind? Okay, good…now back to the machine.
3. Text message: “Hey look what I found in the garbage, should I save any for you?”
4. “Okay, this next thing you have to do to make the machine work. You are just going to rock the handle back and forth. Yeah! Put your back into it! I’m kidding…it’s really easy. I mean, my grandmom can do it…and she’s dead. I’m kidding again!”
5. (slow and casual announcement)”Whaz up, Ralph’s shoppers? (five second pause) Wazzz…up…”
6. “Look how easy this is. It’s Chillie Manillie. It’s super swill.”
7. “Oh, you’re happy sir? Why don’t you tell your face that?”
8. “Anyone here ever use the old knuckle-buster cheese grater? You ever notice how your Band-Aids fit perfectly in the bottom?”
9. “This attachment will whip those lumps right out of your pancakes. My grandmom loves this! I’m like, Grandmom, stop calling me every time you make pancakes!”
And this last one is my personal favorite.
10. “When you see this machine on TV, it comes with a two year guarantee, which is fantastic because it’s unconditional. So you are covered even if it’s your fault. So…say it explodes…”
Hopefully you don’t have to be a Jesco employee to get the humor. Just humor me and say you get it. So, which one did you enjoy the most?