The 7…uh, just 1 Thing(s) We Learned From Last Week’s Game of Thrones: The Rains of Castamere

Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,

If you haven’t exhaled a collective “Jeeeeeesus” yet from last week’s Game of Thrones, questioned the meaning of your life, and sworn to never look at Argus Filch the same way again, then chances are you haven’t seen penultimate episode of the 3rd Season of “Game of Thrones.” Here are the 7 1 things we learned…okay, usually, I comment on 7 things worth commenting on but let’s be real. We just want to talk about one thing, and one thing only: the red wedding. (WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD):

1. “ISO cover who can do all the Lannister’s Greatest Hits (Volumes 1 and 2) and shoot crossbows.” – Craigslist Posting by FreyHeyBaby!

Edmure’s wedding to the only hot Frey girl takes a turn for the bloody, as the turncoat Bolton and a bunch of we-can-totally-pull-off-bibs-as-hats Freys stab Talisa in her womb, shoot Robb with a bunch of crossbow arrows, and slit Catelyn’s throat. Vince Vaughn’s character totally regretted crashing that wedding I’m sure. On Sunday, watchers on thought their might be relief from the bloodshed, as Catelyn took Frey’s wife hostage in order to secure Robb’s freedom, who at that point, looked like Leonidas at the end of “300,” or Boromir at the end of “Fellowship of the Ring,” or, in other words, a human porcupine of crossbows. Frey coolly responds that he can find another wife (his match.com and Ashley Madison profiles are confirmed), Bolton stabs Robb through the heart (giving love a bad name), and Catelyn slices Frey’s wife’s throat, and then gets her own throat cut. Meanwhile, the Hound and Arya arrive pretending to be pig-bearing wedding caterers, and witness the killing of 100s of Stark men, as well as Grey Wind, Robb’s dire wolf (Westeros’ PETA is going to have a field day).

Things felt off from the beginning of the episode: Frey almost hinted at knowing that Talisa was preggers by saying he could see everything that was going on underneath a dress thus making him a human sonogram (copyright Marvel?), Bolton wasn’t drinking because it dulls the senses (uh, no one can do the electric slide without drinking), a guard shut the door ominously as if sealing a tomb, and, of course, the playing of the Rains of Castamere, a song detailing the failed rebellion of another who tried the Lannister’s patience. The rains now truly weep over Robb’s hall, with no on there to hear, or, you know, hold an umbrella. Cue: Arya becoming trained by the Hound in the Art of War. Seriously, if they don’t have a Terminator-teenage John Connor relationship, why did the Lord of Light spare the Hound in the first place?

What will happen next week? Will any character be alive by the end of next episode? Will I be alive? What is going on? Tunic in Next Week!

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