Article / Molly Reynolds

BP & Wolf Company Softball League Meeting

Hey everybody get in here!

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We need to discuss the company league softball game that’s coming up.  Yes, Bill, I realize you’d like to get back to your phone call with those Japanese investors who could literally put our little company, BP & Wolf, on the map.   I know you want to seal that multimillion dollar deal, but this is the league we’re talking about.

I can’t have a replay of last year when, not to name names, but Bill dropped the ball in the second inning and it only got worse from there.  I can’t have those fools at AT & Love smugly eyeball us as they tenderly rape us from behind.  Excuse my language.  Marie.  Don’t leave.  I’m sorry. Thank you, please have a seat.

Jill, I know you have a thyroid problem and that makes you look like you might be able to swing a bat, but I’ve seen your hand-eye coordination and I don’t think you’d make a good fit for the Wolf Pack.  Don’t let Jill’s shortcomings and dismissal inspire any of the rest of you to slack off.  I’m not letting anyone else go.  But seriously, Jill, you’re useless to the company and the league, you’re fired.

Arturo in accounting, are you here?  God, I could barely see you sitting there.  Can someone get Artie here a booster seat?  My God, you’re tiny.  I don’t know what kind of power you could put behind a bat, so I’m tempted to kick you out of the Pack.  But I get the feeling you’d be fast.  Not because  your last name is Gonzalez, but because you’ve probably had to work twice as hard to keep up with anyone of normal height your whole life.  So, Arturo, congratulations, grab a jersey because you are in the Wolf Pack.  WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!

David, I realize you recently got your diagnosis, but I need you, man.  You are the only one among these yahoos who can pitch.  If I can’t get you out there on the field I’m going to have to relegate pitching to Bill, and God I do not want to do that.  Forget about what your doctor said about not raising your blood pressure, a little excitement is good for the heart.  We need you, brother.  Okay?  What?  You can’t risk another heart attack? Well what about me? Huh?  What about beating those stupid, fricking dumb-dumbs at AT & Love.

I’m starting to get the impression that none of you are committed to this league.  You all are sitting there like a bunch of deer caught in headlights, bumps on a log.  Get it together team.  I’m not afraid to hire true pitch hitters.  I got a stack of resumes over there of people looking forward to being part of a winning team.  So get your ugly face acts together!

Bill, man, what are you doing here?  You’re supposed to be wooing the Japanese.  What the heck, man?

Alright team, lets beat those losers AT & Love!  Go Wolf Pack!!!

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