Article / Susan Sassi

Celebrate Memorial Day with Craigslist & OK Cupid

Memorial Day is upon us and I know what you are thinking. “Great, just another holiday to be alone.”  Many people don’t know this, but Memorial Day is the Valentine’s Day of Summer. All those couples sharing food at picnics, hiking together in their matching EMS shorts, and clogging up your Facebook and Instagram feed with their annoying pictures is enough to make anyone sad.  I understand your frustration.  I know it is depressing.  I know you want breathe in the gas fumes from the outdoor gas grill just to escape all the pain. But don’t, because there are so many more interesting adventurous things to do if you aren’t afraid of death.  Here are just some of the many amazing opportunities I found online this week!

Craigslist Job Posting – Professional Screenwriter Looking for a Creative Life Secretary

(This ad was removed before I could copy and paste. So here I am describing what I remember from the ad.)

This unemployed screenwriter, yet to sell a script, is looking for a creative life secretary.  Pay is $12 an hour.  The screenwriter explains that a writer’s life is lonely and he needs company and motivation to stay on task.  Job responsibilities include accompanying him everywhere he goes and listening to him talk non-stop. Constantly tell him how brilliant he is so he stays motivated to not give up on his dream. Single woman only may apply because he doesn’t want to hear you complain constantly about what a douch bag your boyfriend is as it ruins his creative flow and interferes with him staying on task.  If you have a boyfriend, tell him “Sorry, the job of my dreams came along.” Insert long winded explanation and reasons for the job responsibilities and requirements highlighting his neurotic tendencies and insecurities and you have a rough idea of the original post.

80% chance of murder rate… 20% chance of an amazing adventure and award wining movie idea!   Win win!
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OK Cupid profile from “Suckstobu”   

Are you gutsy?  I want to crawl inside you body and see what makes you tick.  Only reply if you have a big heart, huge brain, and extra firm bones that don’t splinter easy.

50% chance of being murdered / 50% chance of meeting the man of your dreams with a healthy sense of humor!! Win-win!!

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Craigslist Apt For Rent – $850 Looking for new Roommate (Capitol Hill)

I have a bedroom (12X14ft) available starting on June 1st for a male or female roommate.   My previous roommate just moved out since his work (for the federal government) took him to another city.  We’ll be sharing a bathroom,  kitchen, and living room.  The apartment is spacious and well lit by natural light.

A little about myself:

I work at the Department of Defense as a researcher and I’m also pursuing a Master’s Degree at Georgetown.  I really enjoy reading, hiking, playing kickball with my friends, and drinking good beer.  I go out a lot on the weekends but once in a while I stay home and just watch a movie.  If you’re interested please contact me by email and tell me a little about yourself.

One more thing, please read this so we don’t waste each others’ time!  On our bathroom door is a checklist.  I like to keep a record of my bowel movements and I expect you to do the same.  It’s a just a simple checklist with each day of the month, simply place a check on the day if you have a bowel movement.  It’s no big deal and you needn’t worry about replacing this list.  I’ll take care of everything.  Hope to hear from you!

(“It’s a just a” – the moment where you can actually see the malfunction in his brain click in. )

60% of murder rate, 40% chance of fixing your bowls to regularity, and again another award wining movie idea! Win-Win!!

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Craigslist Personals -Butter fantasy – m4w – 27

(Compliments of You Suck at Craigslist  http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com)

Here’s how this is going to work. I have a ridiculous amount of butter, and a spare area carpet. I’m going to melt said butter, douse myself and the carpet with it, and roll myself up in the carpet like some sort of human burrito. Here’s where you come in. You will walk in on me in my burrito. You will be dressed up all sexy like. You then run across the room, jump on top of the burrito, and launch me across the room in butter-soaked ecstasy. You will not help me clean up. You will then leave. You can send me your dry cleaning expenses for any clothes that have been embuttered. This is completely legit. Write back with a pic.

Only 20% chance of murder rate. 80% chance of hilarious fun time and winning sketch idea. Plus free butter!!! Win-win!

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Craigslist Missed Connections: [Hospital] Main ICU – m4w

(Compliments of You Suck at Craigslist  http://www.yousuckatcraigslist.com)

Hey, this is for S. Who I met at the [name] Hospital ICU on Sunday nite. We was talking in the louge, my wife (who I told you I don’t get along w/ but we stay 2tgether for the new baby) is there after her car acident. You were there for ur grampa who something. You might remembar that my name begins with D. And I was tall & you liked my tatts on my forarm. I made you laugh, and you will probably remember that I told U that you was Fly. I really liked talking to you, but that dam nurse kept interrupting and finally I couldn’t come back because of the feedings tubes problam. When I came back I was like “Dam” bcause U were gone and all. So I am hoping U will see this here. Good news: my wife won’t last to much longer, wich means I can b a free man soon, wich means I would like to take you out for a nite on the town if U see this. So get at me because I got what U need and I will treat you right . Not like all those wankstas U was talking about. Really doe.

PS – U like Red Lobster?

100% chance of being murdered but FREE dinner at Red Lobster ! (maybe more then one if you play your cards right!) Win-Win!!!

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To see other great tips for a happier more fulfilled life
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13 thoughts on “Celebrate Memorial Day with Craigslist & OK Cupid

  1. Ok…I will soooo pass on the last one…the apartment feller SEEMED okay…until the list thingy. I mean, C’MON!!..I like a good list as anyone else…but…errrr. Or is that butt?!?!?! hahaha

    Now, the burrito thing. OMG…is this a yank thing? heh.

    You make me laugh.

      • *eyes go wide*….and writes things in my notebook. lol.

        Actually, I like your style of writing *smiles* … I have read the bio thingys….though I am still confused on the group thing….you all submit things in this one blog?

        • Thanks Katie. Yeah it’s a sketch group and we all take turns posting articles 🙂 if it wasn’t for them I probably wouldn’t be blogging. 🙂 glad you like the blog! Thank you !

          • Nods … tis good to have others to do things with…and help you get some creative outlets going.

            But ..psttt…not that I do not like their writings…but…if you did do a separate blog … I would love to know what goes on in your head. Not just the funny things…but the ‘you’ things *smiles*. Tis what makes people interesting I think nod nods.

            (ok…I will stop now before you think I am some crazy stalker! For … I am not a stalker…crazy yes….stalker no lol.)

            • Lol katie you are just too nice! you are not the first one to ask me so I did start a separate blog of my own. It isn’t my own deep thoughts. I once did that and a close friend of mine who blogs told me he didn’t like it because I think too much. But maybe my next post on my personal blog will be dedicated to you and your request to hear what’s going on in my head. but also my twitter is all just little thought nuggets from my brain inspired by daily life. 🙂

            • May I ask for the link?

              I find that when people think … you learn of them. Sometimes you find…you have different values and thoughts from them. Sometimes you can be their friends even so … and that is kind of a wonderful thing. I have made a lot of friends via blogs …some I have met, some I only know online … it is … it is incredible that you can find a friend half way around the world at times. I admit, I am not the best at computers…but I like the connections it allows me. *smiles*

            • Katie you make an excellent point. Right now my twitter and facebook has more personal type stuff but just for you I’m going to write a post from inside my mind! 🙂

  2. Reblogged this on Misfits and commented:
    I was afraid to post this on Repo originally because I thought it might be too dark. I thought everyone would be worried about me and treat it like a suicide warning note. No one seems to be worried, so I guess more people than I realize are use to my humor by now! 🙂

  3. Can’t wait to check out OkCupid to see how much is humor, how much reality–which more or less are in the same category as one gets older. Who needs to search for comedy in today’s world? It is merely a state of mind!!!!

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