Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,
With enough awkward family moments to fill an episode of “Arrested Development,” Sunday’s Game of Thrones was a real highlight of the season. Here are the 7 things we learned:
1. Homeward Hound
After kidnapping Arya Stark from the Brotherhood Without Showers…I mean, Banners, the Hound faces getting his skull crushed in by Arya while he sleeps. He’s of course actually awake, being the only 7-foot tall case of insomnia ever, and tells her that she gets one shot at crushing his skull, but if she misses, he’ll break both her hands, you know, typical carnival game. She backs down, and later the Hound reveals that he’s taking her to her brother and sister. And thus ends the Little Orphan Annie subplot of Game of Thrones?
2. “It’s-a Me, Princess-a! Dario!” (*drops two heads on the floor*)
Khaleesi talks with the commanders of the mercenary army called the Second Sons, a group of soldiers who are obviously a constant disappointment to their parents. Khaleesi tries to convince them to join her side instead of defending Yunkai, Westeros equivalent of Bumb Fuck, Idaho. The Second Sons are super rude, and luckily for them, Khaleesi’s dragons are at the Vet. Later, the three commanders of the Second Sons talk about assassinating Khaleesi. One of the leaders, Dario, doesn’t like this idea – he thinks Khaleesi is hot – and so he cuts off their heads, and delivers them to Khaleesi pledging his allegiance and love and cancels his Tinder account to just to show he’s committed. Pretty typical stuff, if this were the season finale of the Bachelorette.
In the most awkward ceremony ever, Tyrion and Sansa tie the knot. Joffrey removes the stool for Tyrion, Tyrion gets blackout drunk on wine, threatens the king, and Joffrey threatens to rape Sansa. The choreographed walk down the aisle to Chris Brown’s “Forever” was pretty cool though.
4. Oh, hey cool leeches, where are you going to put them-OW
Melisandre seduces Gendry and tells him he’s going to show him what’s inside of him. Then, after watching “Basic Instinct” for inspiration, she ties him up, and pours leeches all over him, putting one last final blood sucker on his little Baratheon. In front of Stannis and a newly freed Davos, she takes the leeches, throws them into a fire, and then asks Stannis to name the three people he wants to kill. Clearly missing an opportunity to name the Kardashian sisters, Stannis names Robb, Joffrey, and Balon Greyjoy.
5. The Ice Man Cometh!
Sam and Gilly rest in a burnt down shack, when all of a sudden hundreds of crows start screeching outside, reenacting the hardest level of Angry Birds. Out of nowhere, a White Walker comes out of the forest looking to kill Gilly’s boy, Harry Potter. Sam stabs the White Walker with the dragon glass dagger, the White Walker turns to ice, and shatters, which is clearly the shows commentary on Global Warming.
6. Hey big sister!
Margaery tries to befriend Cersei calling her sister, but Cersei tells a story about how one ambitious family was put to the sword by Tywin, and that if she ever calls her sister again, she’ll have her strangled in her sleep. Then the two performed the “I’ll-Be-Watching-You” hand gestures from “Meet the Parents” as they slowly backed out of the room.
Tyrion decides that he won’t sleep with Sansa unless she wants him to, and declares “and so my watch begins.” The only person happy in King’s Landing right now? Shae. Maybe Bronn?
What will happen next week? Will Arya get returned back to the Disneyland she got lost in? Will Bran have any more “really interesting” dreams? Will the PETA ban any more leech burnings? Tunic in Next Week!