Article / Molly Reynolds

An Open Letter to My Community By Tanner Von Windensnap

I think I’m a tolerant person.  But when it comes to certain people moving into my neighborhood and taking my jobs, I get a little insecure.   I know what you’re thinking.  This dude’s racist.  Well, I assure you I’m not, I have plenty of black friend.  I’m talking about inconsiderate, loud, partying a$$holes who think they can scream their lungs out at 11pm and leave beer bottles in the community trash cans.  I mean, WTF?

Listen up dudes, as I’m only going to say this once: STFU!  Did you hear that?  That stands for Shut The F*ck Up.  Alright? So, STFU or I’ll SMFUYA, Stick My Foot Up Your A$$.  Ok, now that we got that settled, homies need to pick up after themselves, alright?  I’m talking all those Fruit by the Foot wrappers, Gusher packages and Capri Sun packs need to go in the garbage.  The Warheads, and the Squeez-it’s and the Dunkaroos need to be properly disposed of.  And furthermore where are you punks finding all these goodies from the 90’s? WTF?

My next point is smoking.  There are properly marked areas for smoking at the front of the building.  You will notice that this area is the legally mandated 50 feet from the entrance according to Section 14B of Building Code.  Not right in front of my f*cking window!!!!!! WTF? Not where your disgusting cancer cloud can enter my unit and taint my venetian blinds and new duvet.  LOL!  If you say “new duvet” fast enough it sounds like “nude oovay”. SSIFOMWOIWSYTYDN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That stands for Stop Smoking In Front Of My Window Or I Will Slit Your Throat You Dick Nose.

Also, to my neighbor in #17 who keeps bringing that loud a$$ chick home at 1 in the morning, gross dude.  I don’t need to know the things I know.  Like your massive unit (props on that) or her apparent daddy issues.

Finally, to the idiot who spray painted “MIERDA” on my mailbox, WTF.  What does that even mean?  English, mother f*cker, do you speak it?  Also, your hand writing is atrocious.

Sincerely yours,

Tanner Von Windensnap

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