Ashley Huyge

The Raw Horoscope


For hundreds of years, people have looked up for answers. And while God sometimes has another call on the line and will have an operator with the queue in the order in which you are received. If you’re in a hurry, grab your telescope. The Zodiac has your answers. But be forewarned, the stars aren’t going to sugar coat it for you. And now, you’re Raw Horoscope for the Month of May.

Aries March 21-April 19

You love to live in the moment. Each and every moment, like it’s all brand new. And that’s ok, for a while. You also secretly wish you were a leader, but you’re really a child at heart. Grow up.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

You have a well-respected reputation, for a wallflower. A deep part of you desires emotional and financial security above all else. Always remember, you are different from all the other signs. You freak.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

It’s not so much that you like variety as it is you’re an indecisive flake. And don’t worry about being forgotten. Everyone talks about you. All the time. Not to make you paranoid.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

At first you seem hard and insensitive, but those who know you understand that you’re a big old teddy bear. And you can be an eccentric. Which is a nice word for lunatic. You wacky little moon child.

Leo July 23 – August 22

The sign of the lion. Did you know cats sleep two thirds (2/3) of the day? So kick back, you’ve got some relaxing to do. And you have every right to be cocky. After all, the sun does revolve round you.

Virgo August – September 22

Most Virgos can be found in occupations of service. And frankly, my car could use a good washing so call me. I don’t mind that this sign is also fussy and narrow minded. That just means your kitchen is very clean.

Libra September 23 – October 22

To you, Prince or Princess Charming is right around the corner, but you’ve been circling the block and I think you may have chased them away. You’re also quick to tears. Please stop crying.

Scorpio October 23 – November 23

You’re a very old soul. But you don’t look it. Do you moisturize?Yes, you’re pretty awesome ‘cause you’re a winner. But try to stay out of your own way, don’t be too sensitive. Oh, come on. Stop crying. Hang on… I’ll get the Libras to pass the tissues.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

You possess a natural exuberance that resounds throughout the Zodiac. A zest for life the makes you live each day to the fullest. Live fast, die young. With that kind of attitude, who needs a savings account?

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You’re an adventurous over achiever. And you’re making the rest of us look bad. Seriously. Take a nap, someone else can learn to speak dolphin.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

You really do march to the beat of a different drummer. One of those steel drum drummers. Which is impressive, it’s not really Sousa style marching music. So you really boogie more than march. But that’s cool, I guess.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You are a sensitive little fish, aren’t you? And yes, you would be happy if everyone in the world liked you, but they don’t. Buy yourself and ice cream and try to get over it.

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