Danielle Calvert

SAFETY PATROLLING FOR MEN – an excerpt from America’s Youngest Romance Novelist

Just a fifth grader, Sofia DeLovely is already a published romance novelist. Below is an excerpt from her popular… and steamy! first novel: SAFETY PATROLLING FOR MEN

Safety Patrolling FOR MEN

Chapter 3 – “Trap-her, Keep-her”

Like every single morning at the bus stop, Michaela would sit on the sidewalk next to Tanner. And she flirted super hard: smiling, giggling, asking about last night’s Earth Science homework even though she totally knew everything already because she was one of those smart girls. You see, Michaela was crushing hard on Tanner and he was kind of into it at least.

But did Tanner like Michaela, or did he LIKE like her? Michaela was determined to find out…

Michaela’s mom Gina dropped Michaela off at the bus stop at the end of her street. Gina was the kind of mom that all the other girls in Michaela’s class thought was cool. It’s probably because she wore a D cup size bra that pushed all her boobs up. She was also divorced because she married a douchebag when she was too young and those things are just hopeless. But she had a boyfriend. Duh. She wasn’t a loner.

“Thanks for the ride, Mom,” Michaela shouted as she jumped out of Gina’s van. Michaela was wearing these new teal colored jeans from the Kohl’s Junior section, so she was feeling pretty confident about her looks. Gina drove off and Michaela walked over to Tanner.

“Hey, Tanner.”

“Hey, Michaela.”

She turned all bright red when he said her name. It was both embarrassing and pretty cool that Tanner said hey.

“My teal jeans are new.”


He liked them. She could tell. She wondered if he also liked her butt in them, but she would never say that out loud, not even to her best friend Sara. She hadn’t even told Sara that she was totally in love with Tanner. It was pretty much a secret from the whole world.

“I almost missed the bus so my mom had to drive me. She’s one of those MILFs. I think so at least, right?”


“She lets me listen to the pop music station on the radio and I know they sing songs about hooking up in the club.”


Tanner wasn’t very talkative. But that was okay because Michaela could talk and talk for hours and not get even a little tired. She was a real gabber because she liked to gab with the girls.

The bus pulled up around the bend. Tanner stood up, but his backpack wasn’t zipped all the way, so one of his books fell out onto the ground. It had a stretch camo book cover. Michaela liked that because camo was pretty cool.

The bus stopped in front of the bus stop and the weird bus driver with the eyes that pointed outside his head opened the doors to the bus and said “All aboard!” because he thought that was a funny joke even though he said it every single school day which is a lot of days when you really think about it.

Tanner stepped on the bus without noticing that his book had totally fallen out of his back pack. Michaela grabbed the book and stepped on the bus too.

Michaela normally sat in the middle of the bus because that’s where the seats were less poked at and graffitied on. If you sat at the back of the bus there were so many pictures of penises drawn everywhere it was like a modern art show.

But that didn’t bother Tanner. He always sat at the back of the bus with the other guys on his AYSO soccer team, The Fireball Eggs. Michaela took a deep breath and walked past her usual seat, venturing to the guys in the back of the bus.

“Tanner, I think this is a book that dropped out of your bag when you got up at the bus stop.”

“Yeah, that’s mine,” said Tanner and he stood up a little and reached out for the book. But just then instead of only grabbing the book, Tanner touched Michaela’s hand.

It was like a million hearts poofed out of her eyes. She felt woozy like she was drunk with love beer at a frat night party.

“Sorry I touched your hand a little bit,” Tanner apologized. He was turning red too and his friends saw it and thought that was funny because he didn’t normally get embarrassed about anything ever.

“It’s totally fine that you touched my hand, Tanner. I will never get upset about that kind of thing with you,” Michaela stammered.

Tanners friends sense that there was like a love connection because they started laughing.

“Tanner’s got a girlfriend!” Trevor called out in his annoying voice. He was one of the first kids to wear deodorant because he really needed it. He was kind of rude too.

Michaela looked right into Tanner’s eyes and they were sparkly and so pretty like his soul. “Are you feeling what I’m feeling?” Michaela was talking about all the flutters in her heart and stomach.

“I think you’re cute. Will you be my girlfriend?”

That’s all Michaela needed to hear. She nodded yeah of course and stepped forward. She was ready to kiss Tanner so much. She had never kissed a boy before because she didn’t want to do that until she knew she had a boyfriend who respected her as a woman.

Tanner leaned forward too with his eyes closed in such a romantic way. Their mouths touched and it felt like way softer than she expected a boy’s mouth to feel. And it was spitty but it wasn’t gross because when you love someone gross things like spit and sex sound like a good idea. It was one of those magical moments.

But the bus driver yelled, “What’s going on back there? Please just sit down and don’t even think about making out.”

But Tanner and Michaela smiled and slid into a seat together. They were totally going to make out, and they were going to stick their tongues in each others’ mouths when they made out.

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