Molly Reynolds

Molly’s War on Language


With all the hormones in milk and soy in “health” food kids are growing up faster than ever.  Children are speaking as young as 4 to 5 months, and boy do they have the most boring things to say at that age.  That being said, pun totally intended, girls are speaking much sooner than boys.  And as they develop into self absorbed adults, women will speak twice as much as men daily.  Of course this is relative as we all have that one male coworker who won’t shut the heck up about his band or that latest sporting event.

What I’m trying to articulate is that with all this language flying around, there has developed an intangible boundary of morals in speech.  That is to say that some words are okay and safe and some are naughty and inherently evil.  Just like the age old struggle with fatty foods, the naughty words are often the most savory.  The devil is tempting us with smut-like language and enticing us to use the dark side in our vernacular.

Luckily for you, dear reader, you have me to guide you back to the path of safe vocabulary.  Following is a list of (*shudder*) smut and its (*angel harp*) healthy counterpart.

SMUT                                                                                    HEALTHY COUNTERPART

Nice                                                                                       Middle class for “failure”, peachy, amiable
Good                                                                                     satisfied with current standing, sterling, prime
Hot                                                                                         sexy as all hell, stolen, torrid
Neat                                                                                      unadulterated, pure whiskey, supes tidy
OK                                                                                          Oklahoma
Hey                                                                                        For horses
Cr*p                                                                                       Excrement, sh*t, nothingness
Very                                                                                      Excessively, severely, violently

While I understand this list is not exclusive, it serves as a start to eradicate some of the smut infiltrating the English language.  Too oft I hear “I’m very tired” or “That’s neat” thrown around like literary end-alls.  Whatever happened to “I’m exhausted” and “That’s slick”?  I hope you’ll use this guide to inform your next language decisions.

For language based jokes and funnies, please visit my twitter.

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