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The 7 Things We Learned From Last Week’s Game of Thrones: The Bear and the Maiden Fair

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Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,

Lion hunts, Tywins, and Bears, oh my! Sunday’s Game of Thrones was full of deep thronin’ and gamin’. Here are the 7 things we learned:

1. “I read somewhere their periods attract bears.”

Over in Harrenhal, Brienne is thrown into the gladiatorial ring with naught but a wooden sword to fend off a bear, which I believe is a challenge on Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s new show “The Hero.” After being freed, Jamie comes back to save her, throwing himself into the pit, exclaiming: “I immediately regret this decision.” Luckily, his trusty canine sidekick Baxter was there to talk the bear down from his man-eating ledge.

2. Knocked Up, Stark Style

Talisa tells Robb after a sweet, hot sesh on their bear skin comforter that she’s preggo, claiming that she’s writing her mother to tell her the good news. Although, doesn’t Talisa seem weirdly suspicious? Is she really writing her mother in Valyrian? Deep down, I think she might be a Confederate spy or, more in tuned with HBO’s cross-show breeding, a vampire from the South. What’s worse, I saw that the two of them are scheduled to go on “Maury.”

3. Tywin v. Joffrey, you know, the kid who shares 100% of his DNA…

Joffrey complains to Tywin that he’s not being kept abreast of the threat of Daenerys’ dragons. Insisting that shooting whores is just a hobby, Joffrey wants to be more involved in the running of King’s Landing. Tywin, invoking the spirit of Lady Bracknell from “The Importance of Being Earnest,” has some pretty great shut downs.

4. Daenerys makes Lincoln look like Calvin Candie

Upon reaching Yunkai, Daenerys addresses one of the slave masters, who offers her gold and ships as long as she takes her fiery breathing escort the fuck out of Yunkai, a really old city where everyone where’s a lot of eye liner. Daenerys says that Yunkai must free all of their slaves, or she’ll burn the city to the ground…with all the slaves still inside the city? The slave master says that Yunkai has powerful friends, and name drops Kanye, a Senator, and one of their friends who is a series regular on “Hart of Dixie.” Powerful people.

5. Lost & Hound

After being super pissed off that the crazy ginger made off with Gendry, Arya calls the Brotherhood Without Banners (aka the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest (aka the Occupy Westeros Movement)) traitors, and runs off. She’s immediately snatched up by the Hound. Arya will be found ten years later in a house in Ohio.

6. Chopped!

After being tempted by two babes instead of not using an opportunity to use his momentary freedom to escape, Theon gets his his Pike cut by the mysterious teenage torturer in this mysterious Bratislava dungeon. Looks like he was dong-fully abused! His favorite motorcycle is dick-cut-ee! And it really needed a mohel change.

7. Nothing happens to Bran!

JoJen gives a long winded monologue about how her hubby turned into a zombie, and nothing else was accomplished in this scene. It also feels like they’ve traveled 0.4 miles since the beginning of the season. Not that Bran would have a pedometer or anything.

What will happen next week? Will Jamie bring back his girlfriend to meet his dad? Will Robb sack and pillage a Babies ‘R’ Us? Tunic in Next Week!

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