Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you. I couldn’t help but notice you. Hey, not tryin’ to be a creep here! All I’m sayin’ is you look like a guy who needs my help. I’m Billy Flick. I’m gonna help you establish a stronger online presence by selling you one of Billy Flick’s Dynamite Domain Names.
Whoa, whoa, slow down. Come back. Look, I run a legit operation. Just come take a look at these prime domain names. Here, look in my suitcase. I’ve written the domain names on pieces of construction paper and pinned them to this piece of felt.
Not bad, eh? How about this one — misterlovebutton.com. You look like a romantic, am I right? I bet you know just what the girls like for Christmas. I bet all you do is press that little love button of yours, on the side of your head, and inspiration strikes! Then you go right out and buy a her a Christmas present fit for a queen! No? Oh, you’re divorced. Twice divorced? Wow, sounds like someone’s been pressing too many ladies’ love buttons!
Well that’s fine. You’re more of a practical man, I see that. Which mean you’re a perfect fit for diggitydirt.com! Look, everyone likes dirt. We make little castles out of it, wash it off of our cars, put it on our hands before we throw a baseball. But sometimes a man just has to dig some dirt. If you think you can provide those men with the dirt-digging resources they need– namely, shovels– then you better get your hands on diggitydirt.com before some other ‘Dirt Diggler’ snatches it up! Yeah, that’s a Boogie Nights joke.
What?? You’ve never seen Boogie Nights?
Alright, your browsing time is over. Here’s your domain name. It’s boogienights.com. Can’t believe this gem isn’t in use. Once you see the 1997 Paul Thomas Anderson masterpiece about the greed and abuse that plagued the Golden Age of Porn in its autumn years, you may never visit another website again. Dirk Diggler, the protagonist? He’s loosely based on a real porn star named John Holmes, who famously died of AIDS-related complications in 1988.
Only he didn’t die. You know how I know? He’s me. I’m John Holmes. I faked my own death in 1988 for two reasons. One, to bring attention to the dangers of unprotected sex. Two, because the first commercial Internet service providers were being developed in 1987, and I knew that with my checkered past, I’d never build a new career on the world wide web.
Now, I’m Billy Flick, and I sell fine domain names here in the park. And I couldn’t be happier.