Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers, Sunday’s episode provided healthy doses of “Cliff Hanger,” and “Hostel.” Without further ado, here’s the 7 things we learned:
Jon and Ygritte (above) made the epic climb over the Wall with some cleats and some tiny axes. At one point, they’re cut loose but they manage to eventually make it over, providing the season’s best panoramic view: too bad they didn’t have a quarter to put in the Tower Viewer.
2. Is your blood Beratheon +? The Lord of Light Wants You to Donate Today!
Melisandre meets up with and becomes super jealous of Thoros, who’s been able to resurrect to Beric, 6 times, which is a grand total of 6 times more than she’s been able to. Well, she didn’t just come here to feel less accomplished than her peers, she wants Gendry, who she (and we) know is Robert’s son and possibly the one true heir to the throne. Arya throws a fit when he goes, but Melisandre looks into her eyes and sees the eyes of all those she’s going to kill. Either revenge is hers, or she shouldn’t drink and ride.
3. Hostel XXI: Theon’s Pinky
The nameless torturer plays a game where if Theon correctly guesses where they are, who he is, and why Theon’s there, he’ll let him go, you know typical recess game! After faking out that Theon got the questions all correct, he smiles, and says that he’s a liar. Then, he starts peeling some fingers. Westeros torturers seem to have a hand fetish, no?
4. You Can’t Take it With You, And by ‘IT’ I Mean “BRIENNE”
Roose Bolton tells Jamie that he’ll be taken back to King’s Landing, where he’ll get to see the Queen’s landing strip, n’a’mean? But here’s the catch. Brienne has to stay and be hanged for abetting treason. Jamie has a problem with this. Jamie + Brienne sitting in a heart tree K-I-L-L-I-N-G. Seriously, I hope they get together, just so Cersei can find out and despondently drink more wine.
5. Bros before hos before Ros
After hearing of Ros’ disloyalty, Littlefinger sold her off to King Joffrey who does that dirty thing all we men do with a naked woman alone in our bedroom…shoot her with arrows? Littlefinger tells this to Varys, explaining that chaos is a latter, and it’s all about the climb. So, add “Professional latter climber,” “Hooker Executor” and “Eunuch Hater” to Littlefinger’s CV.
6. The Frey who Came to Dinner
So, Robb was to supposed to marry a Frey in exchange for getting a critically important bridge for the war effort. Then, he married a nurse. Now, in order to gain the Frey’s troops, he convinces his Uncle to marry a Frey girl. He complains a lot, but eventually realizes hey, things could be worse (probably, things weren’t working out with his Tindr account).
Tyrion has to break the news that he and Sansa Stark are betrothed to both Sansa and Shae, his real boo. Aside from being the Dark Night of the Soul in every Rom-Com, this scene has three victims of circumstance: Tyrion loves Shae, but has to marry Sansa, but can’t let on that he knows Shae. Sansa has the worst case of Stockholm Syndrome ever, but even this marriage is literally beneath her. Shae can’t express any of her common fury because doing so would let on that she’s acquainted with Tyrion and by “acquainted” I mean given him a lot of “blow jobs.”
What will happen next week? Will Jon and Ygritte have a romantic Wall-side picnic? Will Daenerys make another brief yet bad ass appearance? Will Jamie go home empty handed (heh)? Tunic in Next Week!