Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,
I think we all exhaled a collected “wow” after the several sexy/exciting/head chopping moments from Sunday’s episode. Without dilly dallying, here are the 7 things we learned.
1. Join the Lord of Light today, and we’ll throw in 5 horcruxes! FREE OF CHARGE!
Beric faced off against the Hound, gave himself a paper cut, and turned his sword into a flame thrower. While I was busy placing bets on vegasodds.com, the Hound eventually took Beric down. But just like any good day time soap plot, Beric returns after Thoros brings him back to life (I guess he had a spare heart from Mario!), showing how close Thoros and the Lord of Light are: they’re seriously bestiez forevz. We later learn that Beric has died no less than 5 times and has returned after each expiring (beat that, Jesus!). Arya is really jealous. Who can blame for wanting the power to come back from the dead everyday just like Groundhog’s Day? But Beric assures her that he comes back a little less each time (I wonder which parts have the most shrinkage?).
2. Hide your kids, hide your wife…in dungeon-like rooms. Because you’re Stannis.
We meet the creep-tastic wife of Stannis, who basically tells him he knew the whole time he was cheating on her (Melisandre sent mid-coitus snap chats). Eventually, Stannis goes to see his daughter, who looks part adorable kid, and part Reptar. She asks about Davros, and eventually brings a ship she made as a gift to him. “Thanks kid, but uh, next time BRING SOME KEYS TO THIS CELL!”
3. Rub a dub dub, a handless man and 7-foot lesbian in a tub!
After some experimental surgery by one of the doctors from the show Nip/Tuck/Amputation, Jamie takes an overdue bath at Westeros’ nicest spa with Brienne. He then gives the series’ most captivating monologue about how the Mad King was going to burn everyone in King’s Landing alive, leaving Jamie no other choice but to slice and dice him. As Jamie is about to faint, and Brienne calls out for help to save the Kingslayer, he says, “Jamie, my name is Jamie.” Cue: “You Can Call Me Al.”
4. Heads be rolling on the Riverrun!
After Lord Kastark of the famous reality TV show “Keeping Up With the Kastarkians” kills two Lannister boy captives, he’s sentenced to death by beheading for insubordination. Robb ends up losing the rest of the Kastarks, who end up dating NBA players and Kanye, but decides to march on Casterley Rock to compensate for his dwindling army. Talisa is not exactly thrilled about the relocation, but says she’ll look into getting the Uhaul.
5. Tyrion + Sansa? Cersei + Loras?
After hearing of a marriage plot between the Starks and the Tyrells, Tywin plays political match maker and decides to marry off his kids to Sansa Stark, the red head with PTSD, and Loras, the Harvey Milk of Westeros. Both Tyrion and Cersei object, but Tywin gives 0 to -14 fucks.
6. What a lady, what a cave!
Jon and Ygritte have some hot, overdue cavern action. Yeah, he totally spelunked in her crevasse! He totally dived into her cave! She was stalactite! His shaft was definitely rappelled! Okay, I’m done.
Daenerys orders the leaders of her army to come up with new names, but their newly appointed commander says they’ll keep their old names since it brought them freedom and a hot boss.
What will happen next week? Will Tyrion get to second base with Sansa? Can he physically reach second base? Will Jamie get a new Skywalker hand? Tunic in Next Week!