Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,
We had a doozy of an episode this past week. With its story arc full of plotting, scheming, and talks of revenge, one might think this was my family playing “RISK,” except by the end of the episode I wasn’t in tears. Without further ado, here are the 7 things we learned.
1. “Welcome to Moe’s Tavern…hey is there a Misshand here? Looking for an I. Misshand?”
Jamie gets a streak of the blues, and I’m not talking about the discoloration his skin is most certainly going through post-op of his right digits. Brienne knows that he saved her from rape by telling their captors Tarth was wealthy (it’s actually the Detroit of Westeros), and in turn, she tells him to stop whining and survive. “Your missing your sword hand? Oh, here’s the world’s smallest violin…thatyouprobablycan’tplaybecauseyou’remissingyourswordhand.” But, by the end of the episode, Jamie looks more resolved not to die, and hopefully score some over the counter antibiotics.
2. “What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE…oh, cool sorcerer!”
Varys finally gives us the juicy deets of how he lost his manhood, and I’ve never been more thankful for a lack of flashback. Apparently, a sorcerer cut off his junk, threw it into a fire, and a voice responded from the flames, probably saying something to the effect of: “Ouch, you okay bro?” Instructing Tyrion on revenge, Varys then shows him the scared sorcerer, eerily similar to the one from Sorcerer’s Apprentice, locked in a box that Varys keeps in his room. That must’ve been an awkward FedEx delivery.
3. Sansa and Loras…uh, kissing in a tree? Nope, they’re braiding each other’s hair.
Varys, in order to protect Sansa Stark from heading with Little Finger on Carnival Cruise ship-like disaster voyage to the Eerie (trust me, there’s no greater hell than upstate New York), tells Lady Olenna to tell Margaery to tell Sansa to marry her gay brother, Loras, and move into Highgarden. What? That would never w-…oh, it did work, meaning Sansa has the worst Gay-dar ev-ar.
4. Fight, fight, fight…next episode?
Looks like it’s the Hound v. Beric Dondarrion! The Hound weighs in at 350 pounds, and by my guess, is roughly the height of Yao Ming, and Beric Dondarrion has the whole Snake Plissken look from “Escape from L.A.” so the bout should be pretty even. Who will win? Will the Hound go for the eye? Will Beric use a flamethrower? We’ll see next episode…with limited depth perception.
5. Bran has another dream!
Bran has another dream. Yawn. I’m no longer creeped out by three eyed crows anymore, that’s how many dreams Bran has. We get it. Bran has an overactive REM cycle, and may or may not enter the body of a wolf when he drops off to sleep. I’m going to dream about Bran having another dream and be bored in said dream.
6. Food fight!
Hungry, and tired of shoveling shit, the Crows get into a huge brawl at Craster’s leaving him and the Night’s Watch commander dead, and Sam and his boo head for the woods with a baby. What could possibly go wrong there?
7. A fiery Emancipation Proclamation
Daenerys in one fell swoop, frees her slave army, burns the foul-mouthed Slave Trader, and leaves Astapor with 8,000 loyal men without having spent a single penny, leaving Jora with largest erection he’s ever had.
What will happen next week? Will Little Finger make off with Sansa? Will Jamie make wearing Hand necklaces a fad in Westeros? Tunic in Next Week!