Article / Tucker May

The Best TV Show Crossovers that Never Happened

I spend way too much time thinking about sitcoms and television. Here is proof:

1. Scrubs / Grey’s Anatomy

(aka Grey’s Scrubbery)

These shows were made to cross over with each other. Originally, this idea was a joke but the more I thought about it, the more it works:

Grey’s was basically a melodrama set in a hospital that had the occasional funny moment. Scrubs was a screwball comedy that had the occasional melodramatic moment. There’s definitely a way to do this that brings out the best in both shows. Maybe JD gets pregnant? Who knows.

Also, it would be fun for the writers to somehow explain away this line from Scrubs:

2. Hey Arnold! / Recess

(aka Hey! Recess!)

If you don’t remember the childhood Saturday morning staple Recess, do yourself a favor and refresh your memory:

Could you imagine throwing Hey Arnold’s Helga into the pre-established order and incredibly specific hierarchy that made up Recess’s playground? It’d be like Game of Thrones up in that bitch.

Although you could throw Helga into any number of children’s TV shows and it would be entertaining (mostly because the girl was a total sociopath):

1. The Rugrats (Actually, Helga might just be Angelica grown up, especially considering both of their hairdos never felt the need to recognize gravity)

2. Rocko’s Modern Life (Imagine the horrible things she would say to Heifer)

3. CatDog (Never mind, this one wouldn’t work. Only two ends to a CatDog! Where would Helga go?)

3. Roseanne / Arrested Development

(aka Buster Loves Roseanne)

The shows never crossed over possibly because of the 7 year gap between their runs, but a girl can dream, right?

This would be worth it just to see Lucille’s expression when Roseanne, Dan and the rest of the crusty Conner clan plopped themselves down on Lucille’s expensive white couch. And the Conners were never a group to abide snide comments or mockery — pretty much the things Lucille Bluth eats and drinks (other than vodka).

This would devolve into an all-out brawl in about 5 minutes. If that ain’t good TV, someone call Jerry Springer in 1991 and tell him so. Oh, wait. You can’t just call Jerry Springer, because of the millions and millions of dollars he made watching people devolve into all-out brawls in 5 minutes.

Also, I would insist that one plot line involve Roseanne leaving Dan for Buster Bluth. Why? Because in the book of hilarious hookups, Roseanne Barr is the ONLY way to top Liza Minnelli.

4. LOST / 24

(aka WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR A TITLE! RUN!!)

Okay. Hear me out on this one.

Jack Bauer, in the midst of foiling yet another terrorist plot (thanks, Jack!), crash lands on the LOST island. Then, it turns out, the criminals he’s been looking for are harnessing the island’s crazy electro-magneta-time-traveling energy force thingy to blow up the earth! Jack now has 24 hours (or less, depending on when in the season the crash occurred) to find them on the island, kill them in some super awesome way (as he is wont to do), and then get everyone’s ass OFF THE ISLAND (which is impressive, considering how big Hurley’s ass is).

I’m not saying it’s perfect. I’m just saying it’s a whole lot better than how LOST actually ended.

Plus, think of the gravelly-voiced power struggle scenes between Kiefer Sutherland and Matthew Fox. Here’s how I see it going down:

JACK: This is my island, Jack. These are my people.

JACK: I’m trying to save innocent lives here, Jack! And you’re in my way, Jack!

JACK: Well, Jack, that’s just tough, Jack.

JACK: Jack, jack! Jack jack, jack jack jack.

Get it? They’re both named Jack. That would be fun.

5. the NBA / the NFL

(aka the National Footsketball Leaguesociation)

I would totally watch one game where football players played basketball! And then another where basketball players played football!

I don’t know about you, but my sports fandom is tinged with just a hint of overwhelming jealousy that I wasn’t born a physical freak who could play a game for tens of millions of dollars every year. Watching Tom Brady clunk shot after shot off the front of the rim might just be exactly what the doctor ordered.

The sad part is, even though ALL of the other shows in this column are now off the air, this crossover is still the least likely to happen. Why? Because for big, strapping, giant people, professional athletes are huge babies. Basketball players would NEVER risk their basketball career to entertain the people they are supposed to entertain, and neither would football players.

I guess that makes sense if your ankle alone can realistically be valued in the millions of dollars. Same reason I take such good care of my penis.

And, on that note, we’re done. Please share your better ideas for crossovers in the comments (if you got ’em, coward).

Tweets! (@TuckaMay)

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