Article / Tim McGovern

7 Things We Learned From Last Week’s Game of Thrones

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Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers,

Last week was an eventful Game of Thrones, and one worth discussing over some hearty mead and maybe Hotpie’s famous Wolf Cookies. Here are the 7 things we learned from last weeks Game of Thrones. [WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS AND MEDIOCRE JOKES]

1. “I’M A MONSTER!”

Although it wasn’t bit off by a seal, Jamie loses a hand to a Northerner. What’s worse, is that it’s his sword wielding hand, which he uses a lot for, uh, other things too. I wonder if he can get a HANDle on his new HANDicap? Wait, wait, one more: hand…I lost it. It’ll come back to me.

2. “Rape Me” by Nirvana Every Dude in Westeros

A lot of uncomfortable sexual situations this episode, as both Brienne and Theon almost get raped. And by Northerners, to boot! Isn’t the North supposed to be the good side? Is there no good side? WHO AM I???

3. How much is that slave army in the window?

Daenerys strikes a bargain with the slaver Krasnys (aka Ben Kingsley in Prince of Persia (aka Iago-less Jafar)) and receives that slave army she’s always wanted by selling him her largest dragon, proving once again that size does matter (sorry “Little” Finger), and that Daenerys is a bad ass. Afterwards, she tells Jorah and Barristan that they should never contradict her in public again, or they’ll be advising someone else. Oh, harsh! The way she talks to her employees, the episode should have been renamed “Daenerys Wears Prada.”

4. It’s a Boy…shit.

Over at Craster’s Keep, Sam watches Gillie give birth to a boy (“oopth thorry!”) and we all know the rampant boy infanticide that happens north of the Wall. What will Sam do? Probably something drastic and dramatic, seeing how he’s doubly pissed since Craster recommended that the other Crows eat his pig-like form.

5. Pet Cemetery

Mance Rayder and Jon Snow come across a spiral of dead, chopped up horses, so basically a European Beef Manufacturing Company. Mance then tells that many of the Night’s Watch probably died or worse became dead with blue eyes (Zombie Frank Sinatra?).

6. You ain’t nothin’ but a Hound, dawg!

Arya has an awesome “screw you” moment when she sees the Hound all bound up, and then, like two ships passing in the night, he gets thrown in a squad car(t) heading for the local precinct. Gendry and Arya go along with the Brotherhood, who are moving on to protest the 1968 Olympics, I believe.

7. I Coin’t Believe It’s Not Baelish!

Tyrion becomes the new Master of Coin, and finds out that King’s Landing is in some serious debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos and probably China. Looks like Medicare is the first thing to get cut in the budget.

What will happen next Sunday? Will Jamie be HANDfed (there we go!)? Will Bronn sleep with another hooker?  Tunic in next week!

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