Article / Molly Reynolds

A Dieter’s Guide To Movie Going

The weekend is here and that can mean one thing: parties and booze and food and late night trips to Del Taco.  Well, you made a promise to not do that this week and maybe if it goes well, never again.  So on to plan B: The Movies!  You sure did pick a slow week at the theatres to start your diet.  Idiot!  (NO!  Don’t call yourself mean names, Molly.  You are better than that.)  So maybe you’ll be forced to see something you’ve already seen, like The Great And Powerful Oz.  Here are some tips and tricks to help you and your dieting efforts at the movies this weekend:

1. Ditch the popcorn.  Sure, nothing beats the salty, buttery crunch of movie theatre popcorn.  It’s a taste you can’t duplicate at home in your own microwave either.  So if you don’t buy it at the theatre you’ll NEVER taste that delicious, briny treat.  Oh god, I HAVE to have the POPCORN!!! NOW!!!!

2.  Okay.  You can get a SMALL popcorn.  But NO butter.  You don’t need that heart stopping, delicious, heavenly coating that just elevates the flavor to the next level.  Did you know that that famous “popcorn smell” that will be tempting you as you watch the movie is actually just butter smell?

3.  Fine… You can have the tiniest drizzle of butter.  But that’s it.  No salt.  You don’t need any added sodium.  I mean, its the thing that heightens flavors even more and makes certain tastes palatable.  But whatever.

4.  God.  Okay.  One damn packet of salt.  But then we’re going to have to have a soda.  But make it a DIET soda.  You like diet.

5.  Just a splash of regular coke to even out the flavor is fine.  I mean, that’s not going overboard.  Mom always said at the movie theatres “if you’re going to be bad, be bad.”  But you don’t need any candy just because you are standing at the concession stand.  You’ve already caved on the popcorn and the butter and the salt and the soda.

6.  One, ONE packet of sour patch kids won’t kill you.  I mean you did already commit to the saltiness of the popcorn.  You can have a candy too.  You don’t need chocolate.  You don’t need chocolate.

7.  Chocolate covered raisins are a healthy choice at the movie theatres.  I read that somewhere.  Its because of the raisins, they used to be grapes!  And grapes are fruit.  So you’re eating fruit!  Raisinettes are a totally okay choice.  You don’t need nachos.

8.  Okay, okay, you have the popcorn and candy.  You might as well have a full meal.  Nachos are a good choice because they are simple.  Just two ingredients: corn chips (a veggie!) and cheese.  Up the health factor a bit a throw in some jalapenos.

9.  On second thought you might as well have a hot dog too.  The hot dog is protein and the bun is fiber.  Add relish and onions for more veggie power.  This is turning into a pretty solid meal.

10. You’ve already seen the movie, so just sit in the arcade with your snacks and soda and watch those snot nosed kids run around.

11.  Start to feel guilty.

There you have it.  My typical trying-to-stay-fit trip to the theatres.  It usually ends in my resolve to start again next week, so i might as well go out later and have a drink or seven and a street-dog and a trip to Del Taco.

Stay Happy.  Stay Healthy.  Stay Twitter.

4 thoughts on “A Dieter’s Guide To Movie Going

  1. Funnnnnny post! Okay, back to cleaning out my closets…(Seriously, this post was a welcome distraction)…my husband is ADHD and I seriously think it’s catching. I’m off to clean….

    • Funny you should mention cleaning as my inner dialogue is much the same: I should be cleaning, I should be cleaning, OOOH! New catalogue in the mail, what was I supposed to be doing?

  2. Aha…Been there, done that. Rather recently, actually, but didn’t have to leave my own house to have a similar experience. Don’t you think it is ironic that the word “diet” is an amalgam of the verb form of “death” and the past tense of “eat”? Hmmmm. A message there. Please check out my blog for more mediocre humor….Judy (Disclaimer: I’m not referring to your humor as mediocre–I was referring to mine.)

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