The first day of Spring was yesterday March 20th, 2013 and today, March 21st, the CDC, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, has issued a nationwide warning to all Americans urging them to get vaccinated and follow proper precautions against the outbreak of SF.
What is SF?
SF, or more commonly known as Spring Fever, is a dangerous seasonal disease caused by a strain of springdacoctis, a virus that feeds off of vitamin D. As the amount of sunlight increases, the levels of vitamin D in the body grows in correlation. As a result, Springdacoctis infects and attack the brain, absorbing the vitamin D, causing irrational feelings of well being and sexual desire.
Warning Signs you have been infected with Springdacoctis:
- Rolling around in the grass like an idiot
- Walking around in public with a glazed over forlorn, goofy looking face
- Running on the beach in slow motion
What are the Risks of Springdacoctis:
- Infection may result in babies being born
- Increase risk of sexually transmitted disease
- Increase risk of chiggers (from rolls in the hey)
- Once the disease has finished it’s course, it may leave you with an increase in feelings of, “What the hell was I thinking?!”
What preventative measures can I take to protect myself and my loved ones?
- Decrease showering and bathing to once every two weeks.
- Increase garlic intake by 100%
- Keep the apartment dark and cold to keep the euphoric levels of vitamin D in check
- Hang pictures of your exes everywhere to keep you in just the right mood of “fuck You asshole!”
Remember Springdacoctis is dangerous but preventable. So enjoy your spring season but be extra careful. If you follow the simple rules outlined in this article, you should remain safe, happy, and healthy. Happy spring!