Article / Dan Millstein / History

Last Week, Last Century – 3/16/13

This is “Last Week, Last Century,” where I’ll take a look at some of the wacky stuff that happened over the past seven days… and the same seven days 100 years ago.

Sunday, March 9th, 1913 – Young socialite Lucy Hoke Smith, the daughter of Senator Hoke Smith, hosts an inauguration party in her parents’ Georgia home. After she accommodates over thirty guests, the Congressional social circles praise the recent debutante’s efforts, calling her a truly gracious hostess.

Sunday, March 10th, 2013 – On Bravo’s Real Housewives of Atlanta, socialite NeNe Leakes seeks revenge on her social circle for their tardiness to her dinner party. She sends them on an eight-hour bus trip to a strip club in Las Vegas. The 2.7 million viewers of the episode commend Nene on her classy handling of a delicate social situation.

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Monday, March 10th, 1913 – The Illinois Vice Commission claims that low wages cause desperate young girls to “lose their morality.” The vice president of mail-order giant Montgomery Ward argues that $8 per week is more than enough, and that the proposed $12 minimum would cost the girls their jobs and send them right back out into the street.

Monday, March 11th, 2013 – A 19-year-old NYU student reveals that she earns up to $200 per hour as a “foot prostitute” at a Midtown spa. She points out that she does not break the law and that her “morals are still intact.” Montgomery Ward is not able to make a counter-offer, as the company filed for bankruptcy and was liquidated in 2001.

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Tuesday, March 11th, 1913 – The Michigan State Senate passes a bill that allows state institutions to sterilize their “mentally defective” inmates. The bill does, however, provide an opportunity for relatives of the patient to request a hearing in probate court to ensure the operation is necessary.

Tuesday, March 12th, 2013 – Edgardo Toucet sues the temp agency that placed him in a factory where a foam-cutting machine fully severed his penis and testicles. While it is beyond a reasonable doubt that Toucet was sterilized in the incident, it is unknown whether a mental defect caused him to go swinging his junk around a foam-cutting machine.

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Wednesday, March 12th, 1913 – After Jennie Harpon ignores an order to remove 13 of the 23 chickens kept in her yard, a New York Police Magistrate sentences her to gluttony—declaring that she must eat one of her chickens on each consecutive day until their number is reduced to 10.

Wednesday March 13th, 2013 – New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg continues his failing campaign against oversized sodas, publicly displaying a giant drink cup from a KFC restaurant. The cup in question, however, was actually designed to be served to several people. As a punishment for his manipulation, Bloomberg is sentenced to death by drowning in the same cup.

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 Thursday, March 13th, 1913 – In London, Marcellus Raymund Moraud sues his wife and her new partner, millionaire J.A. Morrison, for $27,500 in damages. Morrison agrees to pay the full amount without complaint, effectively buying the woman from her husband under the supervision of a judge.

Thursday, March 14th, 2013 – In the course of Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian’s ongoing divorce proceedings, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” producer Russell Jay reveals that scenes depicting Kim’s doubts about her marriage were filmed after she filed for divorce. Kanye reportedly contacts his accountant to find out how this will affect his initial offer to Humphries.

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Friday, March 14th, 1913 – The Reverend Dr. H.H. Beatties of the Chester Hill Methodist Church scolds the Westchester Woman’s Club for allowing their daughters to “paint their faces.” He claims that high school girls’ use of makeup is a “stepping stone to something that will eat out the purity of our youth.”

Friday, March 15th, 2013 – After makeup artist Melissa Murphy releases nearly 100 before-and-after-makeup photos of her porn star clients, she explains that she made the images public to prevent men and women from developing a warped perspective of female beauty. One of her clients added, “…and the purity of our youth isn’t the only thing getting eaten out.”

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Saturday, March 15th, 1913 – President Woodrow Wilson holds the first “presidential press conference,” speaking with 100 reporters in his office. He also issues an edict that the White House’s annual Easter Egg Roll is to be extended for an additional two and a half hours.

Saturday, March 16th, 2013 – While interviewing White House press secretary Jay Carney, Fox News’ Jenna Lee asks if the budget cuts brought on by sequestration will result in the Easter Egg Roll being closed to the public. Carney replies curtly that Lee should do “a little reporting.” Because even 100 years later, with hundreds of millions of dollars being cut from FEMA, the FDA, and the National Science Foundation, we should clearly still be giving the most fucks about pretty painted versions of the things that come out of chickens’ butts.

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