Article / Charlie Homerding

Celebrate Anti-Boy Scouts History Month!

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In response to the Boy Scouts continual discriminatory policies, the Obama Administration has put forth a new history month: Anti-Boy Scouts History Month.

For the entire month of April, Americans can celebrate the Boy Scouts’ legacy of anti-gay policies by taking part in acts that defy gender norms, make social conservatives uncomfortable and bring the family together.

Ways to Celebrate Anti-Boy Scouts History Month

  • Make your son wear the dress of his favorite Disney Princess.  If he doesn’t want to do it, force him!  There was a time in this country when men had to fight for the right to dress like a girl.
  • Bring the DVD copy of Rent to your son’s next birthday party.  See how long it takes him to realize that Angel is actually a guy.
  • Start a competition with the neighborhood boys on who can write the best parody of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” with the title “I Kissed a Boy.”
  • Create homemade torches without the help of matches or lighter fluid, and then chant down the streets, “God Don’t Exist!  God Don’t Exist!” Just to piss off the Bible thumpers.
  • Help your son discover his sexual orientation by accidentally leaving an issue of both Playboy and Playgirl underneath his door.  The only catch is… the one he chooses, he must stick with for life.  Or he can keep both issues, but he HAS to experiment.
  • Play a drinking game with your son and his friends while watching the entire first season of The L Word.  Whenever someone gets an erection, they must take a shot.  Whoever doesn’t get an erection, wins!  He must be gay!
  • Fathers, bring your son to work!  Both of you must be wearing high heels and a thin layer of make-up.  You cannot ask a woman or a gay friend for help.
  • This one is fun for the whole family: Pin the bra on the drag queen!
  • Grab the kids, rent out a bar and play karaoke to the multiple soundtracks of Glee.  If the kids complain that it’s too gay, tell them they aren’t being tolerant enough.
  • Draw attention to the real criminals in our society by spray painting “Pedophiles” on the doors of all the Catholic Churches.  It’ll mark the end of a wonderful month.

If you can’t identify your own gender by the end of the month, you didn’t celebrate enough!

These are all wonderful ways to celebrate, but don’t forget the real purpose of this month: to generate a negative attitude against a respected national organization.  We don’t want Anti-Boy Scouts History Month to be just another LGBT History Month.  Not only should you be celebrating your queerness, but you should also be muttering obscenities under your breath when passing a Boy Scout leader who didn’t paint his nails.  You should throw a party and ‘forget’ to invite the boy who became Eagle Scout without achieving his Bake Sale Badge.

Celebrate safely and passive-aggressively!

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