Article / History / Politics / RepoComedy / Sketch / Susan Sassi

Advice You Didn’t Know You Needed… Until Now -(Ides of March Edition)

Written By: Marcy Van Winklebottom

Throughout my life, I always knew I was different.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make friends. I don’t know why. I just wanted to belong, to be needed, and to help.
I didn’t recognize until recently, I had a gift. Originally, I thought everyone could problem solve but chose not to because they were lazy and knew good old Marcy Van Winklebottom would happily fix everything in order to keep their friendship.  But one day, in an effort to better myself, I attended a seminar on self-confidence and empowerment. It was then that I realized my friends weren’t making me do all the work on purpose. The truth was, I had a gift.  I can see and fix other people’s problem’s before they even know they have a problem! I realized in order to honor my life, I had to honor this gift that was given to me.  I had to share this gift with the world no matter what.
But how?  A couple months ago, I stumbled upon Repo Comedy dot COM and noticed the creators, Tucker and Danielle, were looking for content writers.  I knew immediately what was wrong with their site, I wasn’t writing an advice column. Unfortunately, like the rest of the world, they didn’t see my brilliance. When I first met with Tucker, I believe he said, “AHHHHH get the F**** out, I’m showering!” But I didn’t let it get me down. I didn’t give up for a second. I picked myself up by the bootstraps and forced myself to meet with Danielle.  I didn’t get to pitch my idea to her because she sprayed me with mace.  In hindsight, I suppose tracking down where they live and letting myself into their apartments at 11:00pm at night wasn’t the best first impression.  But, the Universe responds to action. If you wait, you can miss the window of opportunity.
Anyway, I think I wasn’t fast enough because I missed that opportunity. Flash forward a few months and here I am hacking into the system and stealing an identity in order to create my article. I know it isn’t the most moral thing to do but you have to put things in perspective. The world needs my help more than that Susan Sassi’s ridiculous weekly comedy article.  So here I am sacrificing my morals for the power of good, to give you the advice you didn’t know you needed… until now.
This week, for my very first advice column, I decided to discuss my neighbor’s son’s book report on Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar”.  About a month ago, out of the goodness of my heart, I went to check on the neighbor’s house, while they were out for the night. I was borrowing some food to make dinner with, when I noticed little Percy’s book report on the table and I was very saddened at what I saw.
Dear Percy, don’t barf back up the knowledge the teacher throws at you. Think for yourself!!  If Brutus thought for himself, he wouldn’t have murdered Julius Caesar and indirectly created what would be know for eternity as the world’s most formidable day, the Ides of March.  Did they really need to KILL Caesar! That’s a little extreme, don’t you think? They could have impeached him, they could have petitioned his laws, they could have hired a woman to seduce him and whip him into doing whatever she says, they even could have brainwashed him and left him on a far away farm. But no, they had to go to the extreme and kill him. This leads me to believe something else was going on under the surface.  Did you pay attention to how close Brutus and Caesar were?  Did you see how much they LOVED each other?  If you find an old copy of the play you will find deleted stage directions in which they constantly smack each other on the butt and bathe together. Clearly Brutus was a homosexual and couldn’t deal with his feelings toward Caesar.  Clearly Brutus was afraid the senators would realize his secret if he didn’t go along with them, so he murdered Caesar.
Don’t worry Percy, I went ahead and fixed that report for you before you turned it in. You’re welcome!! But for the future, remember, don’t just take everyone else’s word for fact.  I don’t care if they are a historian or a scientist. I don’t care if the evidence already proved it to be correct.  I don’t care if it is legal or illegal. Make up your own hypothesis to explore. Who cares if it’s wrong.  It’s probably more interesting and fun then the truth anyway and takes you on a journey you wouldn’t have gone on otherwise.
Oh darn, my prison library privileges just ran out for the night. I’m sad to say I must return to my cell.  Thanks for reading. Please stop by next week for more advice you didn’t know you needed… until now.

3 thoughts on “Advice You Didn’t Know You Needed… Until Now -(Ides of March Edition)

  1. Thanks for stopping by Richard! thanks for the compliments I’m so happy you enjoyed the article. Please feel free to look around. We love having visitors!

  2. Thanks for visiting the Blunderbuss. Hope you liked Three-Legged Willie. Making fun of the Texas lege is like fishing in a barrel. I have used the “and Brutus is an Honorable man” analogy many times in my pokes at them. Speaking of pokes, I will be poking around here. I love irreverent comedy. Frank Zappa, Duck Man, South Park, Monty Python to name a few.

    Richard Zelade

    • Thanks for stopping by Richard! thanks for the compliments I’m so happy you enjoyed the article. Please feel free to look around. We love having visitors!

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