Article / Tucker May

International Women’s Day — An Old Man’s Guide

If you didn’t know it, today is International Women’s Day — a special day for men to step aside and honor hardworking and ass-kicking women all the world over! (Side note: I’m not really sure who has the authority to declare an INTERnational holiday. Maybe the UN? Oprah?)

International Women’s Day might be older than you think — according to the official website, it started in America in 1908 and has been going strong ever since. This was surprising to me, as I had never really heard of it before.

SO — I’ve decided to help you do International Women’s Day in true American style! After a quick, interview-laden trip to a fictional retirement community here in LA, I present to you:

The Old Man’s Guide to International Women’s Day

Five elderly men at this unnamed retirement home were all posed the same question:

How do you celebrate International Women’s Day?

Here are the (paraphrased) answers:

1. Harold Peabody, 84 years old

Well, when I was your age it didn’t take much to make a woman happy on Women’s Day. In fact, usually just saying the words International Women’s Day was more than they expected. I remember one year I just sneezed and it sounded a little like ‘women‘. My Mildred went on for hours and hours about equal rights, equal pay, equal this and that, yada yada, and how it was SO great that I was finally behind the cause. Had to buy her a pair of shoes just to shut her up. Funny thing is, she didn’t demand that we pay equally for THAT! Women.

2. John Latterhorn, 90 years old

I don’t think I can rightly answer than, young man, seeing as I’ve never been with no international woman. I met a German broad once, but she was a Nazi and I shot her.

3. Francis Budge, 88 years old

I always was very progressive for my time. I insisted on paying my secretaries the same I paid my male employees. I never permitted any sort of sexual harassment in the workplace. In the 60’s, mine was the first factory in California to promote a woman to a manager position. So, every year, when International Women’s Day rolled around, I would do it up right. I’d shut down production entirely and we’d have a big party right there on the warehouse floor. Of course, we always planned the party democratically, so the women had to make sandwiches while the men played poker and swore, but it was the thought that counts, right?

4. Calvin Kewlidge, 77 years old

You mean Valentine’s Day?

5. Sir Kerri B. Tatherbottom, IV, 88 years old

I grew up in England, where I am proud to say we hold our women in higher esteem than the brutes in your country. In England, our women are regal. They carry themselves with authority. They wear things like shoulder pads and pant suits to remind us of just how very similar to men they actually are– wait just a tick. Why do we make our women so manly? Could it be . . .? All we English blokes are homosexuals? And that’s why our queen always somehow looks like a retired UFC fighter? No, that couldn’t be it. If we were gay, we’d have better teeth . . . You’ll have to excuse me, young man. I believe I’ve got a good amount of pondering to do.

There you have it! Five great ideas for celebrating International Women’s Day, straight from the addled brains of the sector of society probably least qualified to celebrate this holiday: OLD WHITE DUDES!

I hope you have a great one!

And, just for good measure, here is a super serious video about International Women’s Day that ends up being funny because the dude has an Australian accent (and everything is funny in an Australian accent):

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