Article / Dan Millstein

Last Week, Last Century – 3/2/13

Welcome to “Last Week, Last Century,” a delightful column where we’ll take a look at some of the wacky stuff that happened over the past seven days… and the same seven days 100 years ago.

Sunday, February 23rd, 1913 – Joseph Stalin was arrested and exiled by the Tsarist government to Petrograd. He returned from exile in 1917, just in time to assume leadership of the Bolsheviks, overthrow the prime minister, and establish the Soviet Russian Republic.

Sunday, February 24th, 2013 – People celebrate a year of playing pretend by handing out hunks of metal that could easily have been smelted and re-formed into a dozen Soviet bayonets.

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Monday, February 24th, 1913 – The Kansas House of Representatives responds to the violence of the Mexican Revolution by demanding that “every Mexican be wiped off the map” in order to protect Americans living in Mexico.

Monday, February 25th, 2013 – The mayor of Kansas City, Missouri declares a State of Emergency when meteorologists predict ten inches of snowfall, demanding that his city’s plow drivers “wipe every one of those deadly snowflakes off the map.”

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Tuesday, February 25th, 1913 – The 16th Amendment is officially made a part of the United States Constitution, allowing the government to collect income taxes without handing out any cash to the states.

Tuesday, February 26th, 2013 – House Republicans block the Violence Against Women Reauthorization act, because apparently they’re still pissed about the whole federal income tax thing. Guys, it’s been a hundred years. Get over it.

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Wednesday, February 26th, 1913 – New York-based clothers Smith, Gray & Co. liquidate their stock of 795 fine men’s suits by reducing their price to $19.50 apiece.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013 – Skecher’s catches flak for its new line of “Daddy’$ Money” sneakers, which sport neon animal patterns that conceal wedged heels— at only $65 a pair. Millard Smith’s great-grandson says that one of pappy’s suits would’ve matched them quite nicely.

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Thursday, February 27th, 1913 – A five-year-old boy in New Jersey dies after eating several hailstones. Doctors believe that the sudden chill from his precipitation binge caused an attack of acute indigestion.

Thursday, February 28th, 2013 – Elementary schools in Massachusetts send “fat letters” home with the 32% of their students whose BMIs show risk of obesity, urging parents to examine their children’s diets and behavior. The letters surprisingly do not suggest hailstones as a low-calorie alternative to sugary sodas.

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Friday, February 28th, 1913 – President Taft vetoes the Webb-Kenyon bill which prohibited the shipment of liquor from ‘wet’ states into ‘dry’ states for the purpose of resale. The Senate immediately overrides the veto.

Friday, March 1st, 2013 – Anheuser-Busch reps speak to CNN regarding a lawsuit which claims that their beer is watered down, assuring reporters that they “proudly adhere to the highest standards” in brewing their beers. Beer drinkers across the country immediately override this crock of shit.

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Saturday, March 1st, 1913 – A bandit threatened the conductor of the St. Louis-Omaha express train, robbing him of a gold watch and $10. As the bandit began to approach passengers to demand their valuables, one brave man confronted him and chastised him harshly, causing him to flee the train in shame.

Saturday, March 2nd, 2013 – A bandit broke into a Baltimore Popeye’s, ate 16 slices of pie, and fell asleep on the floor, where he was later discovered by the police. There was no need for them to chastise him, as he had already thoroughly shamed himself.

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