Article / Susan Sassi

Jack the Giant Slayer and Other Winning Post Oscar Gems!

It’s the time of year to make comedy gold out of Hollywood’s stupidest movies. These gems get released post Oscar season, henceforth to be known as Earl Season, the time for the world’s best worst post Oscar movies. Earl is Oscar’s lesser-known younger brother who just could never live up to his older brother, Oscar. While Oscar had the Midas touch, everything Earl touch turned to poop. Poor Earl.  But he was the best at being the worst.  So in honor of Earl, here is a review of the first stupid movie released this season, Jack the Giant Slayer, along with a quick plug for future Earl nominations to be released later this Season. (Warning: Spoiler Alerts)

Jack and the Giant Slayer

“What an awful lot of trouble to go through just to get laid.”  Was a joke I made out loud when I first saw the preview.  I was pretty proud of myself for that one.   I’m happy to report that the movie is just as stupid as you could have dreamed.

The movie starts off in a quaint little storybook town with little boy Jack on the farm and simultaneously the little girl princess in the palace being told of the legend of the evil giants and the beanstalk. The story involves magical beans and a magical crown that gives the owner the ability control the giants.  Flash forward in time.  Jack and the princess are grown up and are still fascinated with the legend of the giants.  The King orders his daughter, the princess to marry Roderick.  But the princess doesn’t want to marry Roderick because he looks exactly like her father, the King, and that is disgusting.

Being the next king and ruler of the entire kingdom isn’t enough for Roderick.  He needs to be the next king AND rule an army of Giants. Why Roderick? You already won. You were going to rule the kingdom. Why do you also need to bring back all the giants and destroy the world?  The movie doesn’t answer this question but the subtext is very clear.  Roderick had a very small penis and was so upset, he needed giants around to make everyone else’s penis look small in comparison.

A Monk, who was on to Roderick’s unnecessary evil plan, steals the beans from Roderick’s chambers, and buys Jack’s horse with the magic beans he stole from Roderick as collateral. The Monk was brilliant enough to get the beans but he didn’t get the magical crown that controls the giants.  Why steal the crown if you have the beans? Extra security is for losers.  Who needs the crown as extra insurance against something that could destroy the entire world?  Not the monk, that’s for damn sure.   Even though Jack knew all about the Giant legend and believed it to be true, he did not follow the monk’s instructions to bring the beans immediately to the monastery, where they would be safest.  Oh no, he brought them home and gave them to his Uncle, who threw the beans on the ground.  One of the beans falls through the floor board and starts to grow into a beanstalk.

Meanwhile the princess runs away to prove she is strong and can take care of herself, yet her very first stop, Jack’s farm house, leads her to get swept away by a giant beanstalk and taken prisoner by the Giants who would have eaten her if no one came to her rescue.  She sure showed them! There’s your lesson ladies.  Don’t try to be independent or make it on your own because you’ll fail and die without a man to save you. (Sarcasm)

The next morning the royal army finds Jack lying in the mud with the royal bracelet from the princess.  I would like to point out how they notice Jack passed out on the ground holding the princess’ tiny bracelet but they don’t notice the giant beanstalk towering into the sky right next to him.  The army begins the journey up the beanstalk to rescue the princess with no plan or preparation to face anything dangerous that could be up at the top of the beanstalk.  During the journey up the beanstalk Roderick decides to kill as many people as possible, because why have an army when you are about to go up against giants? You won’t need them for protection.  There is no way a giant will have time to kill you before you get out the magic crown and put it on your head.

Meanwhile at the bottom of the beanstalk, the King watches his men die when they fall out of the sky from the beanstalk and doesn’t think to send reinforcements.  I’m sure he thought, ” Oh that’s okay, the four surviving men can take on a whole army of Giants themselves.”

At the top of the beanstalk we meet the giants.  The gigantic nostrils give them super heightened sense of smell but their giant heads don’t give them super intelligence.  They enjoy eating and farting.  Unfortunately, giant butt holes release such giant winds of super smelly gas, the giants constantly knock themselves out from breathing in the smell with their super sensitive nostrils. At one point Roderick loses the beans, the ones he stole back from Jack earlier, and the beans grow into another beanstalk that leads to a bigger giant world with even bigger giants. The whole story begins again on loop to infinity.  I may or may not have made up that ending myself and since you probably aren’t going to see the movie, you’ll never know.

If you enjoyed this then you are in for a treat as more Earl nominated movies are coming out later this month.   Coming soon to a theatre near you…

Jack the Nimble

After a horrible dare leaves the blacksmith’s apprentice, Jack, disfigured and scarred with burn marks, he haunts the village children that peer pressured him into attempting to jump over the candlestick in the first place.

Peter the Pumpkin Eater.

 Gentleman, lock up your wives, or Peter will lock her up for you… in a pumpkin.

London Bridges.

 This time they’re falling down for good.

Patty Cake

Three bakers, two days, one amazing cake.  Put it in the oven for baby and me… or else.

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