Article / Molly Reynolds

What’s In The Fish?

“I’ll have an order of the goldfish sushi and the lady will have the filet of seahorse.”

If you’re ordering seafood in the United States, chances are you aren’t getting what you think you are.  According to a study by Oceana, a conservation organization,  1/3 of all fish sold nationwide is mislabeled.  You could think you’re eating (and paying for) tuna but really you’re getting tilapia. This study comes out right after a European controversy of horsemeat being sold as beef.

What does this mean, really?

1. We’re beating a dead seahorse.

We’re always a step behind Europe when it comes to trends.  Ultimately what we are is a bunch of copy catfish.  All this business with the horsemeat is so played out by the time it gets to America.  We very well can’t claim we too have horsemeat.  So like Gaga, we take what came before and change it slightly.  Europe has horsemeat?  Well we have not-tuna!  It’s tiring and boring our need to keep up with the Jeffersons.

2. Food connoisseurs everywhere are outraged.

Surprise, surprise.  Food critics are the one group of people in the world with more to complain about on less of a basis.  “My food is too cold.  There’s too much salt.”  In my house we’d shut up, eat that mac and cheese and be happy about it.  So your fish isn’t what you thought it was but a slightly different fish?  Shut up and enjoy the variety.  There’s only one type of chicken and that’s enough.  Your halibut tastes like red halibut?  Let me cry you a river.  And in that river lives a multitude of identity confused fishies.

3. Nothing is as it seems.

Up is down, wrong is right and bronzefish are passed off as goldfish.  If that tuna isn’t really tuna, who’s saying what it is?  Is nothing sacred anymore?  Can’t a lady order a sashimi and get what she pays for?  How do magnets work? This controversy has some serious identity consequences.  There is no limit to what we are being lied to about.  Next they’ll say that chicken isn’t really chicken but some sort of alien meat found in a crater on the moon.  Actually, that would not be fiscally lucrative as I’m sure alien meat is much more expensive.  Regardless, nothing is as it seems.

4. The disintegration of the FDA.

With all these false labels around accountability is at an all time low.  The FDA which is in charge of labeling food is clearly made up of bold faced liars (and probably child molesters).   There is no way a sect of the government can last with such false accusations.  After all, our government is founded on truth and educating the public of what really is going on.   So it’s only a matter of time until the FDA is shut down and dispersed.

5.  America is sold to Canada.

With such an important part of the government dissolving into nothingness, so too will the rest of the government crumble.  Obviously.  Like a Jenga tower with one piece knocked out the foundation is weakened and begins to fall.  America is no longer America and soon will placed on the auction circuit.  The only country willing to take on our debt is Canada.  Therefore, we all better get used to sucking down maple syrup and waving at Mounties.  All because a rockfish was called snapper.

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