Article / Tucker May

What COULD Have Been — Feb. 29th, 2013

Today is the first day of March, which means several things:

  1. April Fool’s Day is exactly 1 month away
  2. March Madness is alarmingly close and my streak of not knowing anything about college basketball before getting way into all the madness is alive and well.
  3. We did NOT have a Leap Year this year.

Every year, I wait with bated breath on February 28th to see if the 29th will peek out its head like Punxsutawney Phil, (I really wish they would come up with a system for tracking these things.) but, alas, no Feb. 29th this year.

A big part of me can’t help but wonder what might have happened if we DID have a February 29th, 2013. Who knows? It may have been the most whimsical, magical and fortuitous day the world has ever seen!

Here’s what I imagine would have gone down (in order of least plausible to nevermind-they’re-all-incredibly-implausible)

– A Triple Rainbow

We all remember the epic freakout that was spurred by a DOUBLE rainbow:

Just imagine the viral-video autotune remix we could be enjoying RIGHT NOW, if only we’d had a February 29th and the triple rainbow had gotten its time to shine.

– Tina Fey Would Have Been Tapped as the Next Pope

When a deadlock between voting Cardinals drags on, the tension would have slowly faded to hard-won camraderie between the religious officials, as they recessed over communion wine and 30 Rock reruns. 2 blessed vats of merlot later, the decision would have been unanimous. Too bad, because Tina would have made a wildly entertaining pope. AND she was a Nazi Youth for slightly less time than Pope Benedict!

– The Miami Heat Would Have Lost the NBA Championship

Yup. It would have happened yesterday. When a sudden, nationwide arena-worker labor strike threatened all the scheduled concerts and sporting events in America, commissioner David Stern would have scheduled an emergency, do-or-die championship game between the two teams with the best records. The Heat would not only fall to the Spurs, but LeBron would have personally missed the potential game-winner at the buzzer, then slipped in a puddle of Tony Parker’s nasty French sweat, then cried like a little girl. (I don’t even hate LeBron James, this just sounds satisfying for some reason)

– Seth MacFarlane or Anne Hathaway Would Have Gotten Punched in the Teeth by Mike Tyson

Following this weekend’s Oscars, these two may be the most polarizing figures in Hollywood. I have a theory that ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE in America hates at least one of these two people (test it – ask around to your friends – if they say no to one, they WILL say yes to the other). Anyway, if February 29 had occurred, whichever one of these people you personally dislike would have gotten a big, mayonnaise-drenched knuckle sandwich from the king of sounding-a-lot-wimpier-than-you-actually-are. Again, too bad! (BTW, I’m the exception that proves the rule – I would marry Anne Hathaway tomorrow and I’d totally let Seth MacFarlane officiate)

– All Your Wildest Dreams

Remember all those crazy dreams you had as a kid? Yeah, those all would have happened on the 29th. You would have won the lottery. Can you believe it? Even if you didn’t purchase a ticket, you would have found one, and THEN won! Shortly thereafter you would have been proposed to by a supermodel with the power of flight. Then, after squarely kicking Obama’s butt in a game of one-on-one basketball, you would have defeated him in a one-on-one debate over whether it would be cooler if you owned a pet monkey who could talk or an island shaped like a Ferrari. THEN OBAMA WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!

I, for one, am sick of the government telling us when we can and cannot have a February 29th. Look at all the sweet stuff we missed this year! Oh, well.

Guess we’ll just cross our fingers for next year. Happy March!!

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