Today is the first day of March, which means several things:
- April Fool’s Day is exactly 1 month away
- March Madness is alarmingly close and my streak of not knowing anything about college basketball before getting way into all the madness is alive and well.
- We did NOT have a Leap Year this year.
Every year, I wait with bated breath on February 28th to see if the 29th will peek out its head like Punxsutawney Phil, (I really wish they would come up with a system for tracking these things.) but, alas, no Feb. 29th this year.
A big part of me can’t help but wonder what might have happened if we DID have a February 29th, 2013. Who knows? It may have been the most whimsical, magical and fortuitous day the world has ever seen!
Here’s what I imagine would have gone down (in order of least plausible to nevermind-they’re-all-incredibly-implausible)
– A Triple Rainbow
We all remember the epic freakout that was spurred by a DOUBLE rainbow:
Just imagine the viral-video autotune remix we could be enjoying RIGHT NOW, if only we’d had a February 29th and the triple rainbow had gotten its time to shine.
– Tina Fey Would Have Been Tapped as the Next Pope
When a deadlock between voting Cardinals drags on, the tension would have slowly faded to hard-won camraderie between the religious officials, as they recessed over communion wine and 30 Rock reruns. 2 blessed vats of merlot later, the decision would have been unanimous. Too bad, because Tina would have made a wildly entertaining pope. AND she was a Nazi Youth for slightly less time than Pope Benedict!
– The Miami Heat Would Have Lost the NBA Championship
Yup. It would have happened yesterday. When a sudden, nationwide arena-worker labor strike threatened all the scheduled concerts and sporting events in America, commissioner David Stern would have scheduled an emergency, do-or-die championship game between the two teams with the best records. The Heat would not only fall to the Spurs, but LeBron would have personally missed the potential game-winner at the buzzer, then slipped in a puddle of Tony Parker’s nasty French sweat, then cried like a little girl. (I don’t even hate LeBron James, this just sounds satisfying for some reason)
– Seth MacFarlane or Anne Hathaway Would Have Gotten Punched in the Teeth by Mike Tyson
Following this weekend’s Oscars, these two may be the most polarizing figures in Hollywood. I have a theory that ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE in America hates at least one of these two people (test it – ask around to your friends – if they say no to one, they WILL say yes to the other). Anyway, if February 29 had occurred, whichever one of these people you personally dislike would have gotten a big, mayonnaise-drenched knuckle sandwich from the king of sounding-a-lot-wimpier-than-you-actually-are. Again, too bad! (BTW, I’m the exception that proves the rule – I would marry Anne Hathaway tomorrow and I’d totally let Seth MacFarlane officiate)
– All Your Wildest Dreams
Remember all those crazy dreams you had as a kid? Yeah, those all would have happened on the 29th. You would have won the lottery. Can you believe it? Even if you didn’t purchase a ticket, you would have found one, and THEN won! Shortly thereafter you would have been proposed to by a supermodel with the power of flight. Then, after squarely kicking Obama’s butt in a game of one-on-one basketball, you would have defeated him in a one-on-one debate over whether it would be cooler if you owned a pet monkey who could talk or an island shaped like a Ferrari. THEN OBAMA WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU BOTH OF THOSE THINGS!!
I, for one, am sick of the government telling us when we can and cannot have a February 29th. Look at all the sweet stuff we missed this year! Oh, well.
Guess we’ll just cross our fingers for next year. Happy March!!