Pope Benedict XVI
I grew up Catholic, and I would love to see the church take a fresh direction with the new Pope. It probably won’t happen, but I have put together a list of potential candidates who possess traits that should appeal to both the traditionalists and the ones who want to see some change.
Honey Boo Boo
This slobbery mess a child knows how to entertain and pray, and she would appeal to both sides of the pew. She’ll stay committed to the celibacy vow, because in her own words, “Birthin babies are disgusting.” But she also thinks, “Ain’t nothing wrong with being a little gay, everyone’s a little gay.” Look at that little progressive.
Okay, she may not bring as much change to the Catholic Church as Honey Boo Boo would, but she’s still a woman! How amazing would that be for the church?! She would give every nun a pistol, and the church gals would play Priest Hunt in the courtyard. It’s not like she’ll be making any foreign policy decisions.
Daniel Day Lewis
The role of a lifetime. Out of all of the actors, he would be the best for this challenge. Yes, Jennifer Lawrence would get the young crowd in the choir. And Anne Hathaway would wear an actual crown of thorns to prove herself. But Daniel Day Lewis would LIVE it. He would make us crucify him, and then he’d actually find a way to resurrect himself. I guess I’m saying he’d be the new Jesus. Sounds like a good change to me.
Who’s the most beloved gay man on television? If you don’t count Mario Lopez, it’s Anderson Cooper. He’s old enough looking to actually pass as the Pope, but young enough to get all the middle aged woman singing hymns. We would listen intently as he tells us important information, and he would probably bring a modern fashion sense to the role.
Who else is going to continue the molestation cover up? Okay, that’s bad. It’s bad. I shouldn’t joke about that. But let’s look at it from a hopeful perspective. Let’s say Mr. Paterno learned his lesson, and he will no longer, ever, cover up creepy old man secrets. If that’s the case, then he’s the best for the job! (He’s also about right the age) Unless he starts revealing other secrets… like how many priests don’t have underwear on underneath their robes. That can be kept a secret.
So who’s your choice? And don’t choose Beyonce. She’s going to be too busy ruling the world with Oprah.