Article / Tim McGovern

DVD CHALLENGE: The Master v. Law & Order: Year 12

We all know that picking between two DVDs can be difficult. How many times have you recently found yourself in a Blockbuster, asking yourself “what should I get,” or “why do all these movies look three years old,” or “wait, didn’t Blockbuster go bankrupt – what the hell am I doing here? ” That’s why we here at Repo have made it easy for you to evaluate which movie to choose for the week. The two contenders for this entry are “The Master” and “Law & Order: Year 12,” and we’ll put them head to head in a segment we call DVD CHALLENGE!

The Master

Pro: Joaquin Phoenix is insane. Remember that time JPho came on David Letterman and appeared to be on meth? He’s 12 times as crazy in “The Master.” Let me put it this way. The movie starts off with him…FUCKING A MERMAID MADE OF SAND. And if you’re not sold on his cuckoo-ness by then, he proceeds TO IMMEDIATELY WHACK OFF INTO THE SEA.

Con: For the most part, you will have no idea what the fuck is going on. At times, your comprehension skills will seem affected, as if you yourself took massive swigs of the gasoline froth that JPho peddles through most of the movie. There’s even a part of the movie where JPho just walks back and forth, from one wall to another, over and over again. By minute 5 of that sequence, you think that the DVD might be on loop. By minute 6, you have a mental breakdown. Guaranteed.

Pro: It’s a Musical. Oh, you didn’t hear? There’s a musical number. Personally, I can’t believe it wasn’t nominated for an Oscar for Best Song. Wait, I think there was a reason why it wasn’t nominated. Oh, thaaaat’s right. Everyone’s naked in the song, and Philip Seymour Hoffman is raving drunk. The end result? A sequence that seems like an equal cross of The Sound of Music, and Eyes Wide Shut.

Law & Order: The 12th Year

Con: 12th year? How many years was this show on for? Like, I remember being upset that it got cancelled, but 12 years? Was Sam Waterson 9 when they started taping this show?

Con: “&.” Couldn’t find the space to just say “and?” If you use an ampersand, you look like an ampersand minus the “-mper-and.” Nothing? Really? It’s not difficult to figure out. Okay, you look like an ass. Do you see now, the ampersand minus those lett- you know what, forget it.

Pro: Sam. Fucking. Waterson. Are the rumors true that SWat notoriously slept with all the actresses who played his clients? Duh, that’s what fucking plead the fifth is for. This guy is a legend. Even when he’s happy with a verdict, the man is pissed off or annoyed, citing some amicus brief to justify why the judge is a worthless piece of shit.

And the winner of the DVD Challenge?

(Drumroll, please.)

Sam. Fucking. Waterson.

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