Welcome to another installment of ‘RepoComedy Mocks’: an enlightening (and hopefully entertaining) glimpse into the weird minds that make up RepoComedy.
What you’ll read below is the email conversation that transpired between the RepoComedy writers while watching the 85th Academy Awards on Sunday. Some of us were together, some of us were elsewhere, and one of us was finding their way home against all odds, with the help of a talking dog and cat.1
*Including: Our exclusive Man-on-the-Street coverage — as close as we could get to all the stars! *
RepoComedy Mocks :
The 85th Oscars
Dan Millstein (DM): Kristen chenowith’s eyes are black holes of death.
Molly Reynolds (MR): Hey guys. It’s Molly, your man on the street. I’m down here at Hollywood and Highland in the middle of the action. I will post back with pics!
(MR): The word on the street is “the road’s closed off. You can’t go in there ma’am”
(DM): Kristen Chenowith could fit inside Queen Latifah
4:42 PM — CELEBRITY SIGHTING!!
MR: I ran into Tobias McClure who is running for Los Angeles mayor. He’s quoted as saying “go boys in blue and go Tobias too”. He is wearing a Disneyland sweatshirt and target brand sweatpants.
Tucker May (TM): Did you get an autograph?
Ian Seltzer (IS): Anybody ever wonder why Gmail always displays images sideways?
MR: From where I’m standing I can almost see the press. Here’s a photo of Lena Dunham and her girlfriend (bonus Tobias McClure in the background)
5:44 PM — Dan Radcliffe and JoGorLev show up, and almost pull it off:
TM: Ooh, their kicking was SO close to being in time
MR: This girl is checking out the awards they will give out tonight
MR: Here’s one for the best dressed list! Strudel here is wearing a Christmas sweater by boneworkz and his human is wearing pieces from the ll bean catalog and combat boots.
TM: Is that what Tommy Lee Jones’s hair looked like in Lincoln? Or is that natural?
Danielle Calvert (DC): The miracle of Rogaine
5:57 PM — Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy should be a laugh riot:
TM: What are Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy doing? They put themselves to sleep
Charlie Homerding (CH): I can’t believe they didn’t invite the Oscar Mayer truck to his own awards ceremony. Screw this. I’m gonna watch some reruns of Teen Mom.
TM: The next time I wear a kilt to accept an Oscar, be sure to congratulate me for winning an Oscar. And then beat me up.
Tim McGovern (TMcG): No kilts, no shoes, no Oscar.
TM: The stage better explode or this Avengers reunion is a failure
CH: George Clooney can’t seem to shave off his facial hair. He must have killed Tim Allen, and now he’s the new Santa Claus.
6:09 PM — Congratulations to this guy:
TMcG: Gandalf! Can the Valet bring out this guys trailer park?
TM: Blonde Dumbledore won an Oscar!
TMcG: In order to win an Oscar in sound, you have to look like a terrorist in Die Hard.
6:24 PM — Someone rambles, JAWS music plays
CH: Jaws music, huh? Foreshadowing a Spielberg win?? Or maybe Jaws is actually backstage.
6:26 PM — 007 Tribute!
Susan Sassi (SS): Hey guys I just got here why is Carol Channing singing Goldmember?
TMcG: Goldmember, sung in the style of Creed
TM: Guys, my random guesses on the short film categories keep being wronggggg….
SS: Guys, has anyone been playing the drinking game? How’s it going?
6:37 PM — Inocente wins Best Documentary Short
TMcG: Innocente? Sounds like an Oscar Pistorius dream come true.
TMcG: Liam Neeson could save the Argo hostages. No question.
TM: Can’t wait for the Zero Dark Thirty sequel, One Bright Forty.
6:44 PM — Zombie Ben Affleck presents
TM: Did someone forget to wake up Ben Affleck before pushing him on stage?
CH: Affleck’s gotta lay off the Ambien.
6:46 PM — Searching for Sugar Man wins Best Documentary Feature
TMcG: Searching for Sugarman just won you know that documentary about Honey Boo Boo.
SS: Guys every time I hear Sugarman I think of a chocolate shaped man and I want to eat chocolate.
SS: Okay new rule every time someone runs over their acceptance speech time they get eaten by a shark
6:48 — Brad Pitt Cologne Commercial
DM: I would buy anything that smells like Brad Pitt.
DC: That cologne probably doesn’t smell like Brad Pitt. You’ll have to break in and steal a t-shirt for that. I can show you how!
6:54 PM — Orchestra is revealed to be playing in a room down the street
TMcG: Congrats to the Academy Orchestra playing live from an S & M Dungeon!
TM: What’s the difference between them playing live and piping it in through speakers and just pre-recording it?
SS: Ooooh this is my favorite part! the live show!
6:56 PM — MUSICAL THEATER SHOWCASE!!
TMcG: Oh man if Chicago somehow wins again…
SS: Oh man amazing musical theatre is better then sex
TM: The cast of Les Mis show off their skills of singing and staring emotionally into the middle distance!
SS: I’m singing along!
CH: Just so y’all know, I’m not watching the Oscars.
DM: Motion to kick Charlie out of the group.
7:11 PM — Oscar for Best Visual Effects
TM: ‘Thank you to the special effects artists who make my acting bearable to watch’
– Chris Pine
7:12 PM — Seth MacFarlane shamelessly plugs Ted
DM: If youre in the Dolby theater you’re seeing Andy Serkis where we see Ted.
7:49 PM — Kristen Stewart couldn’t give less of a f*** about anything
DM: Kristen Stewart couldn’t give less of a f*** about anything
TM: Another year that I’m snubbed from the Oscars In Memorium section
TM: Renee Z! I’ll give her a million dollars if she can move her cheeks!
8:29 PM — Tarantino wins Best Screenplay, reveals choice bit of info in speech:
TM: Quentin Tarantino lives near Charlize Theron? That explains his collection of binoculars
DM: These Oscars are boring. When is Seth MacFarlane going to talk about farts?
IS: Thanks Oscars for providing me with the opportunity to ween from my raging ambien habit.
That’s RepoComedy Mocks : The Oscars!
Leave your favorite moments from the big night in the comments!
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1. This is the plot of the movie Homeward Bound ↩