“AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ENTERTAINMENT!”1
How are they going to deliver on that promise? Here’s what would happen if I had MY way:
1. A Non-Gathering of James Bonds
The show will feature a tribute to the cultural icon that is 007, but the producers deny that the spectacle will include a gathering of the various actors that have portrayed the tuxedoed, lady-killing dude killer over the years. In fact, Daniel Craig reportedly won’t even BE at the Oscars.
Instead, the tribute will hopefully be comprised mostly of past Bond girls, dressed somehow as “scantily clad martini glasses”, dancing with little people who will be in olive costumes. (Look out for a special guest appearance from Peter Dinklage!)
The spectacle will end with a battle between an actor portraying a Russian supervillain and, since apparently they can’t get any of the Bond actors to actually attend, an audience participant! I’m not saying pull Jack Nicholson up there and let him sleepwalk through a pre-choreographed fight. I mean, a real, unsuspecting audience member. Grab some half-drunk seat filler and toss them into a costly, intense fight scene where the villain is screaming in Russian, the dancing girls are faking panic and the little people are all hiding behind Oscar statuettes — now THAT’S entertainment!
2. A Red Carpet Fist Fight
Every year you hear something about one female celebrity supposedly dissing another’s dress or earrings. If we’re lucky, it might turn into some snippy Tweets back and forth. This year, I’m dreaming bigger.
I’d like to see a full-out, bare-knuckled, hair-tearing brawl. It’s not that I’m a particularly violent person, or that I hold some hateful grudge against celebrities at large, I just think it would be very interesting. If you’re telling me you’ve never wondered who would win in a fight between Jodie Foster and Jessica Chastain, then I’m telling you that you don’t have an active enough imagination.
Look me in the eyes and tell me that wouldn’t get vicious. You can’t.2
It seems to me there are two ways a red carpet melee could get kicked off:
– Naomi Watts says something catty about Jennifer Lawrence’s dress
– JLa, in response, complains to Anne Hathaway
– Anne Hathaway defends Watts, causing Hugh Jackman to step in and break them up
– Bradley Cooper, who has a secret crush on Hathaway and arrived on the red carpet hopped up on something he thought was the super-drug from Limitless, but turned out to just be low-grade anabolic steroids, calls Jackman an ass and shoves him
– Jackman regrets having his Wolverine claws removed for Les Mis
– Joaquin Phoenix escalates it to a full-out brawl when he suddenly yells, “THE VOICES!! THEY WON’T STOP SCREAMING IN COLORS!” or something else crazy, and starts indiscriminately scissor-kicking anyone around him
– Jack Black shows up uninvited and angrily hurls burritos at everybody
3. Bradley Cooper wins Best Actor
Here me out.
If this happens, the only conclusion to be drawn is that we’re living in some bizarro world where up is down, black is white, and Ke$ha could be successfully vetted for Vice President. (Seriously, has anyone ever stood LESS of a chance in an Oscar category? He’s up against Hugh Jackman, Denzel Washington, Joaquin Phoenix, and ABRAHAM LINCOLN HIMSELF)
Obviously, if Cooper DOES win, society will descend into chaos — thus opening the door for Beyonce and Oprah to take their rightful place as our two-headed Empress/Overlord.3
Don’t fight it. Deep down, you know it’s for the best.
4. The Entire Thing Lasts 45 Minutes
All the pomp and circumstance surrounding the Oscars is unnecessary. If it were up to me, I would totally revolutionize the airing schedule. This thing could be so much more efficient:
– 7:00 PM — The Red Carpet!
I get why people want to watch this, so I’ll leave it in the schedule. But there’s no reason to let it drag on longer than Don’t Trust the B— In Apt 23 was on the air. Each star gets to strut up and down the carpet ONCE, then the media get to ask exactly TWO questions about wardrobe, then the celeb is forcefully ushered into the theater by a giant bouncer and, if necessary, attack dogs. We’d set up mutliple red carpets to stroke all the egos in a manageable amount of time.
– 7:15 PM — The Awards!
These are the crux of the show, and they have been blandly awarded by bored-sounding presenters for far too long. Let’s turn each presentation into a reality show-like competition! Put the Oscar at the bottom of a big bowl of worms and make the winner eat their way to the prize! Or attach the winner to a Turn Off the Dark-esque flying harness and make them catch the statuette when it’s hurled at them from a Civil War-era cannon!
Obviously, these will be time-consuming (but relentlessly entertaining) so we would only present 4 awards total: Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Screenplay, and Sound Mixing.
(When acceptances speeches drag on, look for the return of either the red carpet attack dogs or a crotch-headbutting Peter Dinklage)
– 7:30 PM — The Afterparty!
I don’t want to waste my time watching celebs nursing their first drink while rubbing elbows and bragging about how infrequently they see their children. I want to see drunk celebrities! As such, every celeb who wishes to enter the afterparty will be forced to chug the preferred pre-gaming beverage of me and my college buddies: a 32 ounce Powerade, dumped out and replaced completely with vodka.
Also, since I don’t want to have to sit and watch while the drinks take effect, the afterparty will actually occur BEFORE the red carpet and air on a tape delay. This will make the entire rest of the night much more interesting, and as an added bonus we can bet on which celebs will topple over during their drunken red carpet strut.
– 7:45 PM — It’s over!
With Seth McFarlane’s hosting duties limited to just 45 minutes, people are free to watch other Sunday night programming, like Family Guy, American Dad or The Cleveland Show.
5. A Surprise ‘Wildcard’ Entry is Added to Every Category
After an Oscar winner is announced, the winner must be feeling absolutely on top of the world! This is the perfect time to throw a twist their way.
During their acceptance speech, we’ll run across the bottom of the screen the name of a similar actor, director or movie that WASN’T nominated that year. Then we’ll open the voting lines.
If America texts or calls in and decides that the Wildcard entry deserves the gold more than the winner that the Academy chose, then guess what? That Wildcard is the new winner and gets to run on stage, tackle the old winner, steal the statuette, and do their best impression of this:
Can you honestly say the Oscars wouldn’t be more fun my way?
2. Because you’re at a computer. And I’m somewhere fighting crime. Oops! Pretend I didn’t say that.↩
3. 2-Heded Ovalord would be an excellent rapper name↩