Article / Charlie Homerding

The 7 REAL Reasons: Why Bruce Willis said Yes to Die Hard 5

Image

Die Hard premiered July 15, 1988 and grossed $140 million.

A Good Day to Die Hard premiered February 14, 2013 and grossed $116 million… so far.

These are Wikipedia facts, and I don’t really understand how they do all the box office calculations.  It could be all made up like the horse meat controversy.  (I think PETA is behind that one)

Doesn’t really matter though.  After 25 years, the franchise is still going strong.  Bruce Willis has made some super smart decisions in the entertainment industry, but there’s got to more to the story.

The journalists of RepoComedy put TMZ to shame with this PROVOCATIVE list of REVEALING information about a FAMOUS person.  Mr. Willis wants to do more than just make lots of money, here are…

The 7 REAL Reasons: Why Bruce Willis said Yes to Die Hard 5

7.  He’s scared of Russians.

  • A Good Day to Die Hard uses Russian, scary people as the enemy.  The Cold War ended in the late 80s, but Bruce Willis wants us to remember why it all began: an irrational fear of Russia.  I don’t really know what kind of government is in that country.  I’m guessing communism because that’s what the media (and Bruce Willis) tells me.  I mean, even God wants to get rid of them.  He threw a meteor at those commie bastards.

6.  He was inspired by Macklemore’s Thrift Shop.

  • I don’t go thrift store shopping because I’m not looking for a costume in a high school play, but that song makes me want to take something old and make it fashionable.  Bruce Willis is doing the same thing and revamping his vintage looks with a pretty, new design – or a 26-year-old super-hot design named Jai Courtney.  Do you know who he is?  Neither did I until I saw him play John McClane’s son.  And soon, we will all know who he is because he’s going to be the next, big action hero.  He already co-starred alongside Tom Cruise and Bruce Willis.  As long as he doesn’t date Taylor Swift, his reputation will be flawless.

5.  Bruce Willis actually thinks he is John McClane.

  • Only John McClane would think he can succeed at making the fifth installment of an 80s action movie.  Bruce Willis and his action-star character are so intertwined that even he has trouble separating the two identities.  When the producers tried to pitch the story to Willis, he really thought the Russians were at it again (and we already know about his irrational fear).  All he needed was the fictional boost from his alter-ego, and he was ready to hire a stunt double.

4.  He wants to create villains who are more confusing than Clive Davis’ sexuality.

  • Clive Davis, the 80-year-old music mogul who discovered Whitney Houston and made up lies about Kelly Clarkson (read that shit HERE), came out in his memoir as bisexual.  The villain in A Good Day to Die Hard likes to jump around too.  First, it was an old, Russian guy in prison.  Then, it was a younger Russian guy.  Then, it was the old, Russian guy’s daughter.  And then it was the old, Russian guy again.  You know who’s a more concrete villain?  Clive Davis’ penis.

3.  He and Arnold Schwarzenegger want to start a boy band with old action heroes.

  • Arnold can’t be President, and Bruce Willis has that bad case of Russian-phobia.  It’s even worse than Sarah Palin’s.  So, politics is no longer a good option for these two aging action heroes.  Their solution is to release a series of big action movies starring Mel Gibson, John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.  Then, they will create a boy band called Failed Erection.  Ha, another penis joke.

2.  He’s competing in a Best Bald Head competition with Robin Robbins.

  • Boy, Bruce Willis makes a bald head look pretty awesome in the new Die Hard.  But he has to stop making women with cancer feel less pretty!  They will never look as badass as him without hair.  UNLESS he gets a comb over.  Then anyone would look more badass than him.  Expect Donald Trump.  He will always and forever just look like an ass.

1. He and Melissa McCarthy made a bet last year on whose shitty movie would open higher at the box office.

  • Okay, so shitty is a harsh word, but Identity Thief and A Good Day to Die Hard were not gems.  Both movies had stupid villains, multiple, unnecessary car chases and… did extremely well at the box office, which means there’s gonna be a Die Hard 6 and an Identity Thief 2.  My only hope is that they do a crossover called The Dead Thief’s Hard On.  Penis joke #3.

I understand you want lots of money Bruce Willis.  I do too.  But I would really appreciate you telling us the truth about why you wanted to make another Die Hard movie.  Don’t worry, we can handle it.  We don’t deny things like the Catholic Church does.

3 thoughts on “The 7 REAL Reasons: Why Bruce Willis said Yes to Die Hard 5

Use your words! Leave a comment!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s