Article / Molly Reynolds

Meet Beyonce’s Multiple Personalities

Beyonce’s doc may have left fans hoping for more, but the fact remains that she is music royalty.  She’s bodacious, talented and powerful.  But there’s one shocking lesson to be learned about this diva – she has multiple personalities.

That’s right.  Our dear Bey has come out with the private confession that she has multiple personalities.  She originally tried to confess her secret in 2008 with “I Am… Sasha Fierce” but the album’s lukewarm reception garnered little attention.  She admits the album was a cutesy way of opening the door to her mental issues.

Now I know you may be saying this topic wasn’t explicitly stated in the documentary and you’d be right.  But after extensive research and reading between the lines, I can confirm 100% that Beyonce suffers from Multiple Personality Disorder.  This disease (known as Dissociative Identity Disorder by the politically correct) is controversial and difficult to treat.

I think it is our job as fans to support our all-powerful leader through her difficult time.  Instead of shunning her or mocking her (“hey, there goes ole Beyonce and her invisible gang”) let us embrace her and her differences.  Allow me to introduce you to a comprehensive guide of Beyonce’s personalities.

Beyonce:


The original and driving force behind the pop sensation, Beyonce is the main personality.  She is hardworking, gorgeous and an amazing entertainer.  She is responsible for all love songs and is the only personality Jay-Z will recognize.  In charge of all household duties and planning of tours, Bey is the sole proprietor of her estate.  She is afraid of vulnerability, dirty diapers and dead roses.

Sasha Fierce:

Originially debuted in ’08, Sasha Fierce is an amalgamation of all the qualities Beyonce desires but does not possess.  When Beyonce is trying to return something at Saks but the salesgirl won’t allow it, Sasha Fierce steps in and GETS THINGS DONE!  When Bey is too tired to carry out the thirtieth side split, Sasha Fierce splits it up.  She is responsible for all empowering ballads. Sasha is controlling, demanding and above all else, a doer.  Recently S.F. has been banned from time with Blue Ivy as she criticizes her dance moves and ability to rap.

Gerald:

Rarely seen in public, Gerald is the most elusive of Beyonce’s personalities.  He pops up whenever a conversation calls for a dry, boring tale of seasonal changes in Yosemite National Forest.  The most useful application of Gerald, naturally, is during tax season.  Gerald has been banned from any love making sessions after Jay-Z experienced “the most boring sex ever.” Interestingly enough, that was not Gerald’s most awkward moment.  That honor goes to his interruption of Beyonce’s wedding dress shopping where he demanded pleated khakis and a prune juice.  Boy, was Bey embarrassed!

So as you can see, Beyonce is far more complex a creature than we had originally conceived.  But with an ass as close to godliness as possible, we’ll take her – Gerald and all!

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