Article / Charlie Homerding

Nicholas Sparks and Safe Haven – The Secret Novels

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Safe Haven, starring Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel, is Nicholas Sparks’ most recent novel to be turned into a movie.  It opened Valentine’s Day causing countless men to feel inferior in their romantic endeavors.

Sparks penned a collection of secret novels that were later turned into the stories we love to cry to.  Some of these versions were incredibly dirty and dubbed a pornographer’s dream.  If only Fifty Shades of Grey had come out earlier, Sparks would have been able to share his scandalous imagination.

Others were deemed too experimental.  If he had teamed up with Lady Gaga, the two could have toured across the country in a covered wagon throwing hot wax on hitch hikers.  It would symbolize the pain of growing up on the American frontier.

I obtained this list while speaking with a Russian pimp about business techniques.  After six shots of vodka, pimps are more willing than you’d think to give secret information.  Here are three of Nicholas Sparks’ secret novels with short summaries.

Message on a Vibrator

          A lonely woman purchases her first vibrator at a sex shop owned by a recently retired Pope.  He carves the name of a church on the vibrator and tells the woman to meet him there on Ash Wednesday.  When she arrives, the sexually starved Pope tells her that he only has three months to live because he contracted a slow developing, flesh eating disease in Thailand on a mission trip.  His last wish is to make love to the loneliest woman on Earth.  The two search for the loneliest woman, but cannot find her.  During his last week, the Pope is about to give up when the woman realizes that she is the loneliest woman on Earth.  In a sexy, steamy love scene that concludes the story, the woman achieves nirvana and the Pope lets out his last breath.

A Walk to Forget

          Jacob’s dad suffers from Alzheimer’s and constantly references highlights from past Grammy Award shows.  Jacob has a dream where Beyonce tells him that she can heal his dad if he finds a way to attend the Grammy’s.  This road trip adventure begins in No-One-Gives-A-Fuck, Idaho and ends in Los Angeles, California.  Jacob makes it to the red carpet, and his dad becomes completely lucid upon seeing Beyonce’s ass.  She invites them to a lavish after-party, and the father and son duo enjoy one last hurrah before the disease takes hold again.  Beyonce cannot bear to see Jacob’s father in this state and refers him to one of Michael Jackson’s ex-doctors, but Jacob has learned a very powerful lesson.  The best way to live is without fear, so he and his father take a walk through the Malibu hiking trails and jump off a cliff into the water.

The Sad Spiral

          This fantasy novel tells the story of a personified spiral filled with stories by sad teenage girls.  The spiral must find each author and fix whatever problem she may be going through.  Each encounter is successful except for the last girl:  Kristen Stewart.  Kristen cannot seem to move on from her method acting experience in the Lifetime movie Speak.  She’s also jealous of Katy Perry’s boobs and wishes she could pose in Sports Illustrated like Kate Upton.  The spiral becomes frustrated with Kristen’s story and writes a sad story of its own.  It’s up to Kristen to heal the spiral’s sadness before it finds a pack of matches.  The novel’s turning point forces Kristen to take a few acting classes in order to fake happiness for the sad spiral.

Fascinating, huh?  They say the originals are always the best, and I think they’re right about these.  Supposedly, Nicholas Sparks plans to use the original version of his next novel which will use the current Russian meteor crash as a backdrop for a love story between a Russian and an alien.  But he has not released the name of the title… thoughts?

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