Article / Danielle Calvert / Molly Reynolds / Tucker May

Celebrity Valentine’s Plans

The rich and famous seem to spend a disproportionate amount of their time jetting off to exotic, foreign locations or buying cars they never intend to drive.

Ever wonder how they spend Valentine’s Day? Well, the writers at RepoComedy did some sleuthing:

Taylor Swift

The reigning queen of pop will spend her Valentine’s Day exactly as you’d pictured, based on her songs: Alone in a dark room, shotgunning Ben & Jerry’s and sharing a box of tissues with her guitar. That is — until she remembers that she is world-famous, has a billion dollars and that whining about John Mayer not thinking she’s cute just makes her seem like a spoiled little B-word. Once she remembers all that, she stops sharing with the guitar. (Tucker May)

Honey Boo-Boo

The 7-year old wakes up early from a mother-induced muscle tranquilizer sleep at around 1pm.  She starts her day off with 2 liters of Mountain Dew and espresso followed by chocolate covered cheese puffs.  She squeezes into her velour and bedazzled jumpsuit and runs around the house chasing a stray pig. Honey Boo Boo would hand out Valentines and chocolates to her classmates but seeing as she hasn’t been to school in 3 months she eats all the candy herself.  She ends her fun filled day by passing out in a puddle of her own drool, dreaming of a life of glamour and fake teeth. (Molly Reynolds)

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie

After putting to bed their 327 children, the super-couple likes to have a relaxed Valentine’s and unwind over a bottle of wine and a fancy dinner. After which, they retire to the bedroom for a long, romantic night of watching themselves masturbate and ignoring the other person entirely. (Tucker May)

Matt Damon

Will be holding his bladder and saving the world. This one sounds like a joke, but it’s actually one of the funniest videos for charity we’ve ever seen (Ian Seltzer):


Beyonce spends every Valentine’s Day with Oprah, who toasts and laughs with her about the time the duo time-travelled back to the 15th century to invent Valentine’s Day. When they’re done, they reverse gravity just for the fun of it because THESE TWO PEOPLE CONTROL THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. (Tucker May)

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

The couple wanted to do “something cray” for their first Valentine’s Day together. But considering they just returned from a romantic trip to Brazil, they decided the “crayest” thing to do was to stay home and sleep.

Kris Humphries, on the the other hand, is having a nice romantic dinner with his and Kim’s marriage certificate, laughing maniacally and cross-stitching a one-sie for Kim and Kanye’s child:

                                                (Danielle Calvert)

Will Ferrell

He eats an entire heart-shaped box of candy at 10 AM, then spends the rest of the day burning off the calories by roller blading around Los Angeles in a speedo. He generally falls asleep somewhere around Toluka Lake, where he hibernates until Thanksgiving. (Tucker May)

Jason Bateman

Jason Bateman will eat a plain piece of wheat toast. No butter. No jelly. No peanut butter.  After condescending his cat for licking itself, Jason will write a self addressed love letter to himself listing his hopes and dreams for Valentine’s Day. One of them will include judging Melissa McCarthy for her mediocre sitcom during talk show interviews for Identity Thief. After he finishes writing the letter, he’ll get his cat to lick the envelope. Cuz if you didn’t get it by now, Jason Bateman is drier than a cat’s tongue, especially on Valentine’s Day. (Charlie Homerding)

Justin Bieber

Stares into a mirror and tries really hard to grow facial hair, but this is what he does every day. (Tucker May)

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