Last week the FDA held a press conference to reveal a major scientific break-through in health and diet. Jessica Alba barely works out but look at her body! What is her secret? If you are like most people in America, you are struggling to look like Jessica Alba. Last week’s press conference revealed the answer to the secret every woman has been waiting her whole life to discover, Jessica Alba’s secret to a thin perfect body. The secret: Jessica Alba’s body is bananas. That’s right, it’s actually made out of bananas, literally.
Reporters broke out in a fury of questions when they heard the announcement. “What? Is this some kind of joke?” Dr. Douglas kept his composure and addressed the crowd with the retort, “Please hear us out, we are happy to give you the full report. Once you hear our explanation it will sound much more sound.” But the reporters didn’t give Dr. Douglas a chance to get out another word before they erupted in more questions. “Where exactly did your scientists get their degrees?” “If she’s actually made of bananas, how is she able to stay preserved so well and not eaten by fruit flies?” “Why hasn’t she been eaten by a gorilla? “ Are you sure she’s made of bananas? Do you think maybe you misunderstood an expression of speech?” Dr. Douglas remained calm and went on to reveal that, “No she isn’t a walking banana. That would be ridiculous. However, where most humans share 50% of their DNA with a banana, Jessica Alba shares 65%. Also, her skin contains much more potassium than the average human. These scientists have been commissioned to develop genetic testing on lab rats to determine if changing the rat’s genetic code to make it a small percentage closer to that of a banana, will indeed lead to weight loss.
Another reporter followed up with, “How was this even discovered? Who would think to test someone’s genetic structure to see how similar it was to a banana and why did they think, of all people to start with, it would be best to start with Jessica Alba?” Dr. Douglas stated Jessica Alba was suffering from side effects common to those who get way too much potassium. Symptoms such as, nausea, muscle weakness, fatigue, mild paralysis, disrupted heartbeat, problem in breathing, seizures, numbness or tingling sensation in the extremities, etc. These symptoms could be signs of many things but regardless doctors always begin with a blood test. The results came back with unusually high amounts of potassium and other vitamins more common in bananas than humans. One thing led to another and the discovery was born. The doctor ended the press conference stating that his scientists hope to have a full statement as early as summer complete with a new diet plan that anyone from all levels of willpower can follow so that they too can have a body that is bananas. All reporters were left in the room staring speechless at one another.
Unfortunately, summer wasn’t soon enough for some Americans. After hearing about the news from the press conference, millions have been stocking up on bananas. While this lead to Dole and Chiquita’s stocks drastic rise, pulling America out of the economic stump, it also unfortunately caused America’s out of control fruit fly problem. Also several teens have been hospitalized with potassium poisoning. While banana sales are through the roof, berry farmers face an all time low with their farms facing foreclosure. Fighting to keep their farms, the Berry Farmers of America have come together to start a new campaign and funding scientists to test out berry injections. Scientists are claiming berry injections have the same positive effects as Botox only without any of the horrendous side effects. Scientists claim berry injections keep the skin hydrated, taking years off the complexion, and possibly reduce appetite. Unfortunately, it also dyes the skin the color of the berry being injected and test subjects are now walking around silly shades of berry.
We will be back next week with coverage on the press conference announcing yet another new scientific development, genetically mutated leaches designed to suck out fat instead of blood. Amazingly enough, these leaches have been bred with circus leeches and are trained to insert the fat back in to the place of the body of your choosing, other area of the body one would desire to be larger.