Article / Tim McGovern

Richard III – the 10 things they also found in his grave


We all know that the human remains recently dug up in a parking lot in England belonged to Richard III aka the evilest king of all time (only runners up? Scar, and that last King of Scotland played by Cee-Lo in that movie). What you don’t know is that other artifacts were found in his grave. Here they are:

10. A receipt for “1 Horse” paid for by “1 Kingdom.” Forsooth!

9. Deer antler venom- looks like this hunchback was dosing! Could Ray Lewis be a Plantagenet ancestor? Methinks!

8. A parchment that read “100 pounds on the Ravens winning the super bowl…and by the super bowl, I mean that bowl where all my enemy’s heads fall into after I have them cut off. Those Ravens do love to eat humans so! Hahaha-” The laughter continues for 4 paragraphs. Fie, fie!

7. A petition signed by every peasant in England asking “Where’s My Refund” for their taxes, alongside an execution list of “Every Peasant in England” signed by Richard III! Go to!

6. Designs for an elaborate tattoo of him giving the middle finger to the entire House of Lancaster, which he drew after losing the Battle of Bosworth field! I mean, getting a tattoo after a huge loss! Weird! Right, Colin Kaepernick? Saucy!

5. An item that Richard III would consider an artifact in his time: Fall Out Boy’s first CD. Out, out!

4. Unfinished governmental budget that would have led to a fiscal cliff, which was literally a cliff Richard III threw people off to shake out their money. Pox!

3. Non precious stones worth little: 5 Grammys. S’wounds!

2. First 2 seasons of Downton Abbey: fall and winter, specifically. That’s right, he owned Downton Abbey. Because he was king (but deep inside, he felt he was really a Matthew at heart). Anon!

1. His horse that he parked in the parking lot, and the 129492565 unpaid parking tickets put in his horse’s wipers. A hit, a palpable hit!

4 thoughts on “Richard III – the 10 things they also found in his grave

  1. Archeologists also were able to ascertain what they believe to be the cause of such low self esteem that lead to his becoming a Tirant…. He has a small penis #overcompensating #typical

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