Welcome to a new segment at RepoComedy.com, called ‘RepoComedy Mocks’: an enlightening (and hopefully entertaining) glimpse into the weird minds that make up RepoComedy.
What you’ll read below is the email conversation that transpired between the RepoComedy writers while watching Super Bowl XLVII on Sunday. Some of us were together, some of us were elsewhere, and one of us was being held hostage by their boyfriend’s two dorky best friends in a misguided attempt to split them up.1
RepoComedy Mocks :
Super Bowl XLVII
3:06 PM — USPS Commercial featuring the Rosa Parks commemorative stamps airs
Tucker May (TM): Okay! Who had ’20 minutes before kickoff’ in the When is the First Time Rosa Parks Shows Up at the Super Bowl pool?
Molly Reynolds (MR): My favorite part of the Super Bowl commercials is guessing what the product being sold is. So far, every one that you couldn’t tell was for VW.
Ryan Luong (RL): The Super Bowl for gay people means no line at Starbucks!
3:24 PM — This guy shows up:
MR: Over-tanned Steve carell is providing the American Sign Language translation to all these America songs.
TM: He looks like the bad guy from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
SS: Anyone else feel like the super bowl has become a government holiday?
3:33 PM — 49ers open the game in a two-tight end set
SS: I’d like to start with two tight ends!
MR: If Super Bowl is Christmas to some guys, I intend on being the crazy drunk auntie — just to flush out that whole holiday feel.
MR: The Ravens look more like guys and less like actual birds.
Dan Millstein (DM): One time a guy ran into me on the street and knocked me down. I pulled out my whistle and blew it, and then I took out my flag and shouted FLAG ON THE PLAY. I carried these items around for years waiting for that exact situation.
4:11 PM — Double Dose of Harbaugh
SS: I want to see baby pictures of the Harbaughs taking a bath together or something else really emasculating and adorable.
TM: Maybe gently bathing kittens?
DC: Or competitively knitting tiny beanies for baby chicks?
DM: I’m writing my own Harbaugh slash fiction where the Harbaughs fuck a football with two holes cut in it. My question is: am I spelling Harbaugh right?
SS: Hahah, Tucker just forgot who he was rooting for.
4:16 PM — This Doritos commercial changes the game:
DM: I hope I never have a daughter because she will force Doritos on me. Dorito rape!
TM: Dorito rape is not a laughing matter. Taco Bell can be dangerous after 11 PM.
Ian Seltzer (IS): Why no Taco Bell-flavored Doritos in that commercial? It’s a thing: http://www.miniurl.com/sa/Online_Comedy_TBell. Devastated.
4:18 PM — Tearjerker:
SS: I just got too emotionally invested in that commercial. I’m so embarrassed.
4:21 PM — CBS Commercial!
IS: CBS would like to thank Les Moonves and AARP members nationwide.
SS: Their butts look amazing in those pants. Where can I get me some football pants?
4:30 PM — On-the-field skirmish
TM: Giant people fighting is hilarious. Giant people don’t feel pain, right?
DM: Suppose we won’t know until Jack the Giant Killer is released on 3D Blu Ray.
Laura Zvirbulis (LZ): I’m sorry I’m missing the game, guys, waiting for my landlord to fix my washing machine.
I have to say, based on this email thread I have no idea what is happening in the Superbowl.
TM: Susan, during the game: ‘I’m going to pee now so I don’t miss the commercials.’
MR: That commercial break was too damn short. Now I have to watch football (catty, bratty tone)
4:47 PM — The cheetah is finally put in its place:
DM: That guy should be arrested for poaching. Poaching that cheetahs dignity.
4:48 PM — More CBS Commercials!
MR: Elementary is the number one show? Am I the only one who misses the sexual tension between male Sherlock and Holmes?
4:49 PM — Jacoby Jones scores a touchdown, does the following wicked awesome dance:
MR: What would your home run dance be?
SS: The Macharena
IS: The Rockaway – Fat Joe obvs
MR: The Happy Days
DM: Public Masturbation
4:59 PM — Halftime
MR: Who’s drunk??? I’m there!
DM: I am the only one drinking at ths party. Hot wings = double beer consumption.
DC: Too much talking for a halftime show. I demand more Beyonce! or at least some Blue Ivy.
5:08 PM — Beyonce does this:
IS: Oh man, it’s about to get realz.
MR: That hologram looks really real!
TM: Best Hall & Oates performance EVER.
SS: Beyonce’s performance is a tribute to Beyonce.
DM: My boner’s performance is a tribute to Beyonce.
MR: Destiny’s Child was just un-cryogenically frozen, y’all!
IS: Pepsi would like to take the moment to thank the gods of big corporate.
SS: Alright how is everyone, do we still have all the guys or did you all leave to masturbate?
MR: Ill be in the bathroom for 7-12 minutes.
DC: I’m watching the Puppy Bowl now.
5:27 PM — Even more CBS Commercials!!
DM: Has anyone said fuck CBS yet? Because fuck CBS your shows are for fucking toads.
5:38 PM — BLACKOUT!
DC: ALL OF THE LIGHTS!!
SS: Beyonce’s half time show blew the power!
MR: Beyonce’s half time show blew something all right.
TM: Ray Lewis killed the lights!
MR: Why’s it gotta be called BLACKout????
Charlie Homerding (CH): Fashionably late is the best way to arrive at a Beyonce concert. Hey… Why is the Super Bowl on???
6:04 PM — Social Media goes nuts
DM: Sorry guys I’ve retreated to real twitter. Shit’s RIPE: http://www.miniurl.com/sa/Online_Comedy_Twitter
MR: I use the time clock as a countdown till when I can go back to bed. #sad&lonely
CH: Blackout proves there’s more break time in football than play time. I had no clue they weren’t playing. Or… Maybe it’s just my own lack of football knowledge =\
DM: I’m glad that I finally learned how to pronounce the names I butchered in our video:
DC: Are they called the 49ers because they drop the ball 49% of the time?
DM: I’m starting my own depression-era themed football team called the 29ers.
MR: Molly boner alert: from erect to half mast with that robot car commercial:
MR: Back to erect with the psy commercial:
DC: Does David Akers dye his hair with diarrhea?
TM: Molly boner alert is now my top priority
IS: Samsung ad FTW:
DM: Bob OODENKIRK.
CH: I’m rooting for the 49s. Not the Falcons. Yeah, I know they’re not called the Falcons.
7:10 PM — Dodge airs what appears to be a campaign ad for John McCain:
MR: I’m voting McCain.
CH: I’m McCain’s VP. The first major gay conservative.
MR: ‘No stain is sacred’ — Bill Clinton
CH: Where’s the flag!! Holding call!! Holding call!! ….so are there 5 quarters?
8:00 PM — Ravens win!
TM: So ends the Harbaugh Bowl . . . I’m pretty disappointed they didn’t get into a fist fight afterward.
That’s RepoComedy Mocks : The Super Bowl!
Leave your favorite moments from the big game in the comments!
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1. This is the plot of the movie Saving Silverman ↩