Bieber is single and looking! In this new age of technological social networking, the young generation has taken up a new form of flirting: SEXTING! It’s exciting, it’s scandalous – it’s what Manti Te’o should have had records of to prove the existence of his fake girlfriend. And it’s kinda what Bieber is doing… publicly.
The teenage pop star mooned the press in some fancy shamcy event the other day. Okay, it’s not like he showed his ding-a-ling. That would be uncomfortable. He just performed a good old-fashioned mooning like in Happy Days or Grease. In those days, Potsie would pull his pants down for a split second to shock some elderly woman. She would cover her eyes in disgust because he probably had a hairy butt, and that would be it. In today’s world, Bieber shows his shaved bottom on Instagram for the world to see.
Of course, he quickly removed it from the web, but that doesn’t really stop people from seeing it. It’s the internet. It’ll be around FOREVER.
What’s up with this? Does Bieber need a new belt? Is he telling teenage girls/gay boys that he’s officially free from Selena (Or Selen-er, as Nicki Minaj pronounces it)? Or is it just another publicity stunt to distract dumb twits like us from important events… like the Inauguration of the President? None of the above. Bieber is combating the underlying Puritanical beliefs in today’s modern culture!
I’m going to say that Bieber’s Instagram-mooning was a cry for help, much like Taylor Swift’s new song For Help, I Will Cry. Swift plans to debut the song at the Super Bowl after stealing the mic from Beyonce, but Bieber will come and save her. The two will start a tumultuous relationship, filled with Twitter wars and fake pregnancies.
Their inevitable break up will leave Swift searching for a new identity. At which point, she will copy Michelle Obama’s new hairstyle and write an album called Color: How copying the First Lady’s Hairstyle Made Me Rethink My Race. Bieber will marry an older woman. Let’s say Sandra Bullock. She still needs a baby daddy. He’ll be the new Ashton! Six years later, the couple will divorce, Taylor will have gone through different shades of her skin, and the two pop stars will reconcile on a 20/20 special, hosted by the TMZ guy.
God, that sounds awful, right? Who can help in this situation? Hmmm, maybe someone who is starring in the new FOX series The Following. Yes , Mr. Kevin Bacon. Here’s a promo for the next episode.
So, how can Kevin Bacon help? Well, he and his wife, Kyra Sedgwick, have had one of the strongest and longest relationships in Hollywood. How do they do it?! They don’t post pictures of their butts. That probably helps. Since privacy seems to be slipping away with each Tweet, maybe kids these days could learn a lesson from this long lasting Hollywood couple and keep more things private. Or maybe we can all just be free-loving hippies and walk around naked all day.
Who knows! The bottom line is that Kevin Bacon can help Bieber. Well, kinda. Using some logic from the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, I believe that we can trace potential love interests for Bieber. Starting with The Following!
Maggie Grace – She was taken in Taken, lost in Lost, and I’m guessing she’s getting followed in The Following. She’s only in two episodes, so maybe no one follows her for too long. Guess I gotta watch to find out. She’s also eleven years older than Bieber, making her a great rebound. Selena will be jealous. Goal accomplished.
Maggie Grace was in one of the Twilight movies, which leads us to….
Dakota Fanning – The easy choice would be Kristen Stewart. But that girl already has enough drama. Just think how cute a Fanning/Bieber love affair would be! Okay, maybe for about five minutes. Next!
Dakota Fanning is in this new movie called Very Good Girls with…
Elizabeth Olsen – She is the younger sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, and she has been making a name for herself as a very serious actress. This would be an interesting choice for the Beebs, but I think Ms. Olsen would eventually dump the boy. She should get herself a young Heath Ledger. Uh, maybe not. Didn’t one of her sisters go down that road?
Elizabeth Olsen was in this movie no one cares about called Peace, Love, & Misunderstanding with…
Jane Fonda – What a match for Bieber!! She is a SUPER older woman! An elite cougar! And luckily, she’s been released from the Smithsonian. Justin would have a lot fun counting Jane’s weekly pills.
Jane Fonda co-starred in Georgie Rule with…
Lindsay Lohan – This choice wouldn’t be as good for Bieber as it would be for Lindsay. Maybe a few months with him would make her look like she’s on the road to recovery. Or it would make her look like just another cougar. How old is she now? 40? Well, that’s what lip injections will do to you.
Lindsay Lohan will be appearing in Scary Movie 5 with…
Ashley Tisdale – She is number six on this list, which means… she’s the one! Bieber will marry Tisdale on the beach with a bunch of drugged up former child stars. There will be non-alcoholic wine and free therapy from Dr. Drew.
Best of luck to Bieber and his new love, whoever it may be. Hopefully, she won’t have to kill any young girls to get the spot, but that would be a pretty cool story, huh? Better than sticking a used tampon in your mouth.