Justin Timberlake is back! Have you listened to his new song yet?
Destiny’s Child is back too! You better listen to their new song!
But wait. What’s going on here? Why couldn’t N’SYNC come back together? Is Beyonce hatching some diabolical plan? Are Britney and Christina finally doing a duet together?! No, no and no. Band members get together and break up as frequently as Lance Armstrong’s pity parties. Oh boo hoo, I got cancer and didn’t know my medication was acting as a steroid. Or maybe I did know… It doesn’t matter! Let me win races and do cereal commercials!
We all want bands to stay together, but it doesn’t always work out. Certain members will usually stand out due to their looks and talent. When that time comes, they need to grab life by the balls and remember: You Only Live Once.
Let’s take a look at some successful breakouts and some not-so successful breakouts in order to grasp what is currently happening in the pop atmosphere.
- John Lennon and Paul McCartney: The Beatles – Their solo careers may have never surpassed what they accomplished as a group, but they still did better than the other two. It’s no wonder Ringo and George tried to profit off of Jodie’s Foster childhood success. THAT is what she was actually talking about it in her Golden Globes speech.
- Diana Ross: The Supremes – What were the names of the other Supremes? I have no clue. I only know her solo hits like “Touch Me in the Morning” and “Love Hangover.” Actually, I’ve never heard of those songs. Obama stole them from my memory, and he’ll do the same with our guns! Those hits were only two of the many number one singles Diana Ross had as a solo artist. Even though my pop knowledge is saturated with bubblegum, I still think her best songs were with The Supremes. Doesn’t really matter though. I will always think of her name, not the others, when I stop in the name of love.
- Michael Jackson: The Jackson Five – More people I don’t know. Not Michael, but his brothers. I couldn’t tell you the name of any other Jackson brother without looking at Wikipedia. For the longest time, I thought Randy Jackson from American Idol was a long lost brother of Michael. Maybe Nicki Minaj is a long lost sister… ? Nope, the only sister is Janet! Okay, there is another sister, but Janet is the only one that matters. She’s number two in the family, and Michael is the king. The King of Pop. The only person who might surpass him is… Justin Bieber. Yep, I said it. It makes sense though. Who else to carry on Michael Jackson’s torch than a boyish looking lesbian?
- Gwen Stefani: No Doubt – I love me some Gwen. I’d Hollaback to her Rich Girl any day. But the solo light was too bright for her. Reminds me of what my high school drama coach used to say to the girls with big noses, “You’re just not leading lady material.”
- Fergie: Black Eyed Peas – What Destiny’s Child did with their booties, Fergie did with her name. She perfected the use of the suffix – ‘licious.’ Too bad she didn’t have the grammar knowledge to create another catchy tune from the incorrect use of a word segment.
- Joey McIntyre: New Kids on the Block – He did some Broadway. He’s still good looking. I’m just wondering when he and Reba McEntire will come out with their documentary, “McIntyre and McEntire: Hiding my Family’s Incest.”
- JC Chasez: N’SYNC – There can only be one breakout from a band!! John Lennon and Paul McCartney are the exception.
- Michelle Williams: Destiny’s Child – You were the Ringo, Michelle. Please don’t try to achieve more.
- Nick Carter: Backstreet Boys – He had Justin Timberlake potential, but he also had a pesky brother named Aaron who was addicted to coke.
- Spice Girls – They all tried to breakout, and they all failed. Posh Spice is the only one who is still kinda relevant, but that’s because she married an attractive and successful soccer player. Let’s Google: David Beckham Calvin Klein underwear ad.
- Nick Lachey: 98 Degrees – Another one who could have competed with JT, but Jessica Simpson ruined him. Or saved him. Or maybe just helped him survive a bit. You know, that couple doesn’t get enough credit. They were creating fake marriage stories long before Kim Kardashian.
From all of these band break-ups, breakouts and brake pads – you were driving too fast, Michael, you didn’t need to recreate Thriller, you were perfect the way you were!! – we have learned a simple lesson: Paul McCartney wanted the fame to himself. Omigosh, that’s horrible. I shouldn’t be insinuating that John Lennon’s death was caused by a fellow band member. But if they already gave peace a chance, why not…
Okay, okay! This is what we have learned: artists paint on an ever changing canvas of love and betrayal. I ain’t jokin’. The Beatles split up, allowing Paul and John to grow as individual artists. Fergie did her thing for a while and then reunited with The Black Eyed Peas. Even No Doubt got together again to do an album. The reuniting of Destiny’s Child and the second comeback of Justin Timberlake (yet to be determined if successful or not) prove that not all is lost after a break-up.
Let’s sit back and enjoy the pop landscape. But just in case… watch your backs Kelly and Michelle, Beyonce ain’t no child no more.