Article / RepoComedy / Tim McGovern

Lance Armstrong: Top 10 Secrets He Didn’t Tell Oprah



It’s true Lance Armstrong admitted to doping on Oprah, but there are some other admissions he forgot to own up to on the air.

1. He gave Novak Djokovic his racket for the Australian Open. The racket’s threads are made from the hair of a newborn Unicorn, which he hunts.

2. Through the butterfly effect, he caused the snow storm in England. Good news: BBC Weather. Bad news: Everyone else in England.

3. Even after hearing Manti Te’o’s girlfriend wasn’t real, still tapped that.

4. Ghost wrote Jodi Foster’s rambling incoherent Golden Globes acceptance speech, especially the part when she kinda came out. Still tapped that.

5. Only just likes Jennifer Lawrence.

6. Somewhat like NRA, believes gun violence would never happen if victims had steroids.

7. Came in last in his family’s 2013 Golden Globes pool. Bullied them to all change their votes to “Life of Pi”

8. Was the guy who convinced Stacie Halas, adult star turned teacher, to go into porn, saying, “No way anyone will find about this,” and then emailed her entire class with links.

9. Has a “song” Niki Minaj “wrote” on his playlist.

10. Thinks cricket > baseball.

Know any more of Lance’s deep, dark secrets? Share them in the comments!

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