Article / Molly Reynolds / RepoComedy

Stalking Awareness Month and You: Real World Tips – My Life As A Stalker

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January is National Stalking Awareness Month.  This serious problem affects roughly 6.6 million people annually in the US.  We’ve heard the sob-stories from the victims but rarely do we hear the first hand account from the stalkers themselves. With 6.6 million people to stalk we’re REALLY busy and often misunderstood. Most of the time we’re not even stalking per se, just innocently watching from the street. So please allow me to get serious and give some real world tips on how to get away with stalking while everyone else is on high alert.

1.  Don’t hide in bushes.  It’s tacky, cliché and the probability of being caught is astronomical.

2. Tired of the same old heavy breathing? Frequent phone calls and texts can get stale.  Consider spicing it up a bit with funny voices and accents.

3.  If you choose to be hostile, don’t do it in public.  He could very easily embarrass you.  And think of the witnesses who could testify against you!

4. Get technical.  Hack his gmail, obsessively hit refresh on his Facebook page, bug his office or plant a GPS tracking device on his car.

5.  Follow him… in style!  You can tie a simple scarf in nearly 50 ways.  This is the perfect opportunity to debut that new turban or mask you’ve been wanting to break in.

6.  If it looks like Justin is getting handsy with that broad he calls his girlfriend, just remember that he was yours first.  You probably could take down that scrawny, latte-slurping, mani/pedi getting, Miss America watching floozy!

7. Finally, don’t forget to treat yourself!  Use your skills to find out his credit card number to buy that solitaire diamond ring you’ve had your eyes on.

8. Justin Benoit of 1132 Antelope Street Apt #102

I’M WATCHING YOU!

5 thoughts on “Stalking Awareness Month and You: Real World Tips – My Life As A Stalker

  1. Dear Daydream Believer,

    Congratulations on finding your soul mate. Upon first reading your reply I thought perhaps you were insinuating that I was your soul mate and my heart skipped a beat. Now I realize you were talking about another boy or girl. And my heart skipped another beat. Its a condition.

    My suggestion is don’t look for the wrong in the relationship. Chances are it is indeed perfect. Don’t ever ever believe a “red flag” is a “bad thing”. If you continue on this path of love from afar, realize your soul mate will call many “red flags” on you. (S)He may even call the police. Don’t let this deter you from true happiness.

    Good Luck,
    Molly

  2. Hey Molly,

    I found my soul mate! I just know we are going to get married! Things are so amazing sometimes I get afraid. I mean it’s always when things are perfect that something goes wrong. You know, we’ve never actually met. Sometimes I’m afraid this might be a red flag that something is wrong with the relationship. But then I think, no relationship is perfect. You have to accept the good with the bad, right?

    Would love to hear your thoughts.

    Daydream Believer

  3. Dear Persistent,
    The heart wants what the heart wants. Don’t let a stupid court ordered piece of paper stand in your way of love.

    Might I suggest wooing your lover with an offering such as a dvd of her favorite romcom tied to a brick and thrown through her window. Perhaps you could write a ballad entitled “Justin I want your babies and would die for you if you wanted me to”. Of course, you’d have to insert your new girlfriend’s name in exchange for my boyfriend’s name.

    Best of luck,
    Molly

  4. I could use some advice. I have this crush on the girl. Does a restraining order mean I should back off or try harder?

    yours,
    Persistent in Pakipsy

  5. I really hope Justin Benoit isn’t a real person and that’s not his real address. Someone should have checked that . . .

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