January is National Stalking Awareness Month. This serious problem affects roughly 6.6 million people annually in the US. We’ve heard the sob-stories from the victims but rarely do we hear the first hand account from the stalkers themselves. With 6.6 million people to stalk we’re REALLY busy and often misunderstood. Most of the time we’re not even stalking per se, just innocently watching from the street. So please allow me to get serious and give some real world tips on how to get away with stalking while everyone else is on high alert.
1. Don’t hide in bushes. It’s tacky, cliché and the probability of being caught is astronomical.
2. Tired of the same old heavy breathing? Frequent phone calls and texts can get stale. Consider spicing it up a bit with funny voices and accents.
3. If you choose to be hostile, don’t do it in public. He could very easily embarrass you. And think of the witnesses who could testify against you!
4. Get technical. Hack his gmail, obsessively hit refresh on his Facebook page, bug his office or plant a GPS tracking device on his car.
5. Follow him… in style! You can tie a simple scarf in nearly 50 ways. This is the perfect opportunity to debut that new turban or mask you’ve been wanting to break in.
6. If it looks like Justin is getting handsy with that broad he calls his girlfriend, just remember that he was yours first. You probably could take down that scrawny, latte-slurping, mani/pedi getting, Miss America watching floozy!
7. Finally, don’t forget to treat yourself! Use your skills to find out his credit card number to buy that solitaire diamond ring you’ve had your eyes on.
8. Justin Benoit of 1132 Antelope Street Apt #102
I’M WATCHING YOU!