Article / New Year Old Friends / RepoComedy

Jodie Foster and the NFL Playoffs — Friends Episode 1-5

The One With the East German Laundry Detergent

Credit: Jason Merritt; Photos: Getty

Look at her. Triumphantly hoisting that statuette and proudly displaying her man-arms for all to see. She’s an inspiration.

And she’s totally right — famous people should have the right to their own privacy. She’s just fighting for hers by publicly behaving like a raving nutjob so people will leave her alone.

If you haven’t seen her Golden Globes speech yet, watch a bit. The whole interwebs is talking about it. See if you can pick out how many distinct personalities seem to be living in Foster all at once:

It’s like the Real World : Key West in there!

But let’s move on to more important things, like:

‘Uberweiss! It’s new! It’s German! It’s extra-tough!’

– Ross

FOOTBALL!

If you know me personally, you know that it’s pretty impressive that I made it five episodes into writing about society and Friends without spending any extensive time talking about football. Especially since the NFL playoffs are happening RIGHT NOW! (Quick! You’re missing them!)

It’s about time that I spend way too much brainpower on something entirely trivial, like which 2013 NFL Playoff teams most resemble Friends characters. If there’s a better way to spend my time, I probably can’t watch Friends while doing it. Here goes:

  • Seattle Seahawks — This year’s Seahawks team was totally Rachel. Young, energetic, maybe a bit naive — and easy on the eyes. Watching Seattle’s offense this year was a lot like Ross dating Rachel — you weren’t sure how it happened, but it was fun to watch while it was going on.
  • Atlanta Falcons — If Ross Gellar were a football player, I’m convinced he would be Matt Ryan: studious and steadfast, but no one’s sure if he’ll perform in the clutch. (Plus, I hear Matt Ryan dabbles in archeology.)1
  • Cincinnati Bengals — I felt about the Bengals this year much how I feel about Phoebe: sure, I’d watch A.J. Green make a circus catch fifteen feet in the air every once in a while, but I was always wondering what was going on in the more interesting games.
  • New England Patriots — Joey’s the showy, good-looking sexy symbol who gets all the gorgeous women. Remind you of anyone associated with the Patriots? That’s right. Bill Belichick: http://www.miniurl.com/sa/Online_Comedy_Belichick
  • Denver Broncos — If any team in this year’s playoffs deserved to be associated with Monica’s perfectionism, it was the Manning-led Broncos. Peyton’s famous attention to detail and work ethic border on crazy, just like Monica’s obsession with giving away two million free Papa John’s pizzas.
  • San Francisco 49ers — Here’s a statement that would be true if Rachel said it to the woman who steals her laundry machine in this episode, or if I said it to the 49ers: ‘Okay, I guess I can see why you’re here. Doesn’t make you any less annoying. Now please go away because you make me want to punch a dryer.’ Colin Kaepernick is the first person I’ve ever seen to combine scary, prison-tat arms with the face of Mr. Ratburn from Arthur.
  • Baltimore Ravens — Like the Ravens, Chandler often reveals a dark sense of humor. Chandler does it through self-deprecating jokes and half-sincere putdowns. The Ravens do it by gathering in a circle and watching Ray Lewis do his best impression of a robotic peacock going haywire: http://www.miniurl.com/sa/Online_Comedy_RayLewis
  • Houston Texans — The Texans are to the playoffs what Ugly Naked Guy is to Friends: They show up more than you might think, but only for like a minute.
  • Green Bay Packers — I’d compare this year’s Packers to all the Friends storylines around the monkey Marcel. They were entertaining to watch, but didn’t really go anywhere. Plus, I really think a State Farm commercial with Aaron Rodgers and a monkey would be baller.

Let it be known that one week before the kickoff of this year’s football season, I predicted a Patriots-Falcons Super Bowl. This weekend may prove that I am psychic after all. If this happens, I’ll sell you all lottery numbers for $100 each.2

‘There’s the horrible, awkward moment when you’ve handed her the note . . . and you try to run out of the restaurant before she’s finished [it].’

– Chandler

There’s a whole lot of breaking up going on in this episode. And as we can see from Chandler’s wild flailing while dealing with Janice (and perhaps from our own lives as well), breakups aren’t always the smoothest thing in the world.

Fortunately, I’m a master of breakups — just like I’m a master of whittling and grasshopper hunting — and I’ve prepared a few tips on how to let that special someone down, without making them frown:

  1. Remind them of how good they have it — Put things in perspective. Sure, they just got dumped. But there are kids in Africa fleeing herds of stampeding rhinoceros RIGHT NOW! (Quick! You’re missing them!) 
  2. Fart real loud right before you do it — No one wants to date an unabashed farter. Try and hit foghorn levels. This is an especially effective tactic for the ladies.
  3. Pretend it’s a celebration! — Toss some confetti after you break the news! No one can be sad when there’s little bits of paper in the air! Bring a noisemaker! Go all out and dump a cooler of Gatorade over their head!
  4. Most importantly — tell them you’re moving to Guam — It doesn’t matter why you say you’re moving. It could be anything. Just as long as it’s Guam. That’s the part you need to be specific about.
    1. If you ever bump into them around town afterwards, the solution is simple: Insist you are your own evil twin, pinch them really hard, then just run away. I’ve done it dozens of times.

There you have it! Go forth and break hearts!

Next Article: Season 1, Episode 6 — The One With the Butt

Previous Articles: Season 1, Episode 4 — The One With George Stephanopoulos

Season 1, Episode 3 — The One With the Thumb

1. [Not true.]
2. [All lottery numbers will be 4. No refunds.]

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