The One With George Stephanopoulos
‘Who is George Snuffleupagus?’
We at RepoComedy know how hard it can be to keep up with entertainment nowadays – what with all the other important things in your, life like loving your family, excelling at your job, and ensuring there are no witnesses to that hit-and-run.
It seems like you have absolutely no time to read about Lindsey Lohan’s latest debacle, whether Fergie is pregnant with a butterface baby or even to Google visual approximations of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s baby!
Luckily, I’m here for you:
Since we’re perched right on the cusp (does anyone else think cusp sounds like a dirty word?) of awards season, I’ve presented an easy-to-digest guide to everything you need to know about the first big ceremony:
THE GOLDEN GLOBES
What you need to know:
What is it?
- The Golden Globes were first started in 1492 because the Spaniards didn’t feel they had a cool enough trophy to give Christopher Columbus for discovering America
- Today, they’re awarded annually to Hollywood actors for their provocative – and often heartbreaking – work of being more famous than the other people on the ballot
When is it?
- No one ever knows. It’s like a solar eclipse, back before we could accurately predict solar eclipses. But if you happen to flip to whatever channel and find it, CONGRATULATIONS! Let me know if it’s funny.
Then why should you care?
Because people only have one of three reactions to the Golden Globes:
- You can completely ignore them. (This is what a lot of sane people do, I hear)
- You can accidentally stumble onto them, watch 30 seconds of George Clooney thanking the Vietnamese woman who made his Hawaiian shirts for The Descendants, then flip back to awesome sports stuff like this: http://www.miniurl.com/sa/Online_Comedy_RudyGayMan
- You can get way too excited and throw a watching party
I will be doing the third.
‘You! Me! Joey! Ice! Guys’ night out! Whattya say, big guy?’
Now, a Golden Globes party is rarely considered a ‘Guys’ Night Out’, but that’s only because you have to stay indoors. Oh, and the whole most-big-fans-of-it-are-women thing. OH! And the whole this-year-it’s-hosted-by-two-women thing. But you know what they say: Where there’s ladies, there’s vaginas!1
So here’s your guide to throwing the perfect Golden Globes viewing party:
- Don’t invite too many people. If it starts to get too crowded, your guests will start to feel like people care about the Golden Globes. And it’s impolite to mislead guests
- Start a Pool. Hand out ballots to guests as they arrive, have them each put down $3 and guess at all the categories. Winner gets to take the cash. Having a rooting interest in the awards will help keep your guests engaged.
Of course, YOU want to win that money, so be sure to give all your guests ballots with athletes’ names. (People who watch the Golden Globes will never recognize athletes)
Last year a good friend of mine lost the pool because he bet Best Screenplay would be won by Chauncey Billups.
- Rip the HGTV page out of your TV Guide and just swallow it. This will help you decorate better.
- Don’t actually watch the Golden Globes. What are you, anti-social? You’re sitting in a room with all your friends and you want to stare at a screen all night? Nonsense. This is also why I host all my Super Bowl parties in a submarine.
‘Could Have Played Monopoly, but Noooooo.’
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I have severe Logophobia. (Google it! It’s ironic!)
If there’s another one thing, it’s that I love board games. I’ve played Monopoly in particular a lot, including in many zany places: on a house, in a car, with a mouse, and in a Dr. Seuss book.
Most people think Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. Wrong. It’s about two weeks after Christmas when everyone has new board games to play.
Here are some awesome board games you should play with your friends (or, if you’re overly competitive, ex-friends!):
- Balderdash – In this game, players are exposed to words, laws, or movies they have never heard of before. Each player makes up a fake definition, then a chooser has to read them out loud, mixing in the actual answer. Then, everyone says what they think the answer is. It’s not only fun, but you get to lie to all your friends!
- Cards Against Humanity – This is basically Apples to Apples for grownups. And by grown-ups, I mean perverts. There are cards in this game that would make Charlie Sheen’s hookers blush. But it’s freaking funny.
- Wits and Wagers – This one can get a bit brainy. Every turn, each player has to estimate some impossible figure (for instance: How many turkeys are consumed in all of America on an average Thanksgiving?) Then, once the guesses are revealed, everyone bets poker chips on what they think is closest to the right answer without going over. It’s like Price is Right for people with serious gambling problems.
- Risk – An oldie but a goodie. What’s more satisfying than managing your armies and taking over the freaking world? (Answer: watching the person you just beat put away all those tiny little soldier guys. EVIL LAUGH!)
- Last Word – It’s pretty simple. There’s a category and a letter. Whoever yells out something in that category that starts with that letter right before the random-interval timer goes off, wins the round. This one can devolve into yelling matches quickly, because you‘re literally yelling the whole time.
I think it’s the eighth commandment that says, ‘Thou shalt enjoy board games, or thou hastest no soul’.
‘Now Everything’s Just Kinda, Like . . .
– Rachel and Phoebe
Since I haven’t actually talked about this episode at all, let’s end this article on a positive, Friends-ian note.
The above quote comes from a mini-freakout that Rachel has after her visiting friends make her feel like her life is going nowhere. (This doesn’t sound positive so far) Eventually, she gets over it and the episode ends with her seemingly feeling revitalized, motivated and proud of herself. (Oh, there it is!)
We’re nearing a very dangerous time in the year: the middle of January – when those New Years wishes and resolutions start to fade into the rear-view, and those donuts and cigarettes start to seemingly throw themselves into your mouth.
Here are some inspirational quotes about starting over in the New Year to help you take a lesson from Rachel and stay strong:
‘Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.’
Benjamin Franklin, Known syphilis-haver
‘For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.’
T. S. Eliot, total nerd
‘Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.’
Mark Twain, used the n-word a bunch
‘Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right!’
Oprah Winfrey, secret ax-murderer
Screw it. Pass me the donuts and cigarettes.